Clarity
by OftheWind
Summary: Coffee shop AU! Shinji struggles with depression and his troubled past until he meets Kaworu, a painter with his head in the clouds. One would imagine calamity would ensue. However, there is beauty to be found between those who seek love and a sense of clarity. Rated M for language, violence, and eventually explicit scenarios. KawoShin! Chapter 9 - Blog, Hallucinations, Kisses?
1. Depression With Your Latte

**A/N: ** **I do not own Evangelion**. I could only wish that I owned Shinji and Kaworu. There would be less getting into the fucking robot and more OTP time between these two. It's 2015 and I'm on that Eva bandwagon like everyone else! Please, enjoy. This is my first EVA story, so...-runs and hides- Don't kill me!

* * *

><p><em>Maybe if I love you, you will learn to love yourself.<em>

"It's not possible. I don't think anyone really cares about me. Why would they? I don't care about myself. No one else needs to."

_Why do you keep going?_

"I'm too much of a coward to do something like…off myself. I've tried so many times. I can't do it. I always freeze up at the last moment and then I don't go through with it."

_You poor thing…_

"There it is. Right there. Pity. It's one of the things that I hate the most."

_I don't pity you. I feel both sympathy and empathy for you._

"So you're saying you know how I feel?"

_Precisely._

"…but how can you possibly know what I'm feeling?"

_Because I was born to meet you._

"Born to meet me?"

_Yes._

"Yet I don't know who you are…"

_You'll meet me soon enough. Just hold on…keep going. Keep living. You will meet me. When you do, you will know and you will not regret._

"Will you come soon?"

_…you'll see…_

* * *

><p>The song was a slower one. It was just another punk rock band, or at least that's what people would consider it. He didn't really care; he just found the lyrics were something he could relate to. If that made him even more of a sorry person to others, then so be it. He always had his headphones on when he went on the walk to his job.<p>

He should have known that day would have been different. He'd had that weird dream, where a voice was talking to him. When he woke up, he was thinking that maybe he was finally losing his mind. But the voice was curious, and wasn't talking down to him like all of the other voices. People around him, they always talked down to him. It always made him feel that he wasn't really anyone's equal.

He felt like crying…he felt alone…

Yet he had to keep it together for the sake of his job.

All that was needed when he felt low was another pill. So he took one during his morning walk. He took one whenever he felt down, even though his psychiatrist prescribed two a day. It was still morning, yet he was on the fourth. Maybe his dosage would need to be upped…again? In the meantime, he had to pop his anti-depressants like candy. Though he felt sick to the pit of his stomach taking it in the first place, he knew that if he didn't, he would feel the need to not wait for the crossing signal to walk out into the traffic.

Misato was nice enough to get the job for him, and he was diligent, had been for the year he'd been working. Always showing up thirty minutes early to the café and always staying behind to help clean the place after closing. Never really speaking unless spoken to…and no one there had much to say to him either way.

Today just felt like it would be different somehow, like something important was going to happen. Though seeing the café, he decided to ignore that feeling of hope. Hope that something would change, that his dream was more than just a dream.

"Shinji!"

He snapped out of his little daze at the sound of Asuka's voice.

She had a hand on her hip, leaning against the counter, "I'm going on break. Hold down the fort with Rei will you?"

"Y-yeah…"

The orange haired girl just rolled her eyes and got up from her position, walking past Shinji Ikari without a care.

Shinji let out a small sigh. Asuka took more breaks than anyone else. At least a handful throughout the day. He'd overheard her telling Rei that she would try to not take as many cigarette breaks, but there was no evidence of that as of yet, despite her making the statement two weeks ago.

Back then, he'd decided to grab a pamphlet to sneak it into her locker. When she'd opened it on her lunch break, she just seemed annoyed by it and he watched from a distance when she threw it out and muttered about how people shouldn't tell her what to do and mind their own business.

When he'd first started working there, he couldn't stand her the most out of everyone there. She picked on him, made fun of him, and she was always loud and way too talkative. He couldn't really say much of anything because she was close friends with his foster mother. He knew she'd gotten the job at the café the same way he did but she'd worked there before him. All she reminded him of was people from his school that he'd much rather forget…

When he went to school…

Asuka had spent a significant amount of time referring to Shinji as 'dropout' before Misato heard her one day and put an end to it by scolding the girl harshly.

_Shinji is sensitive. _

_He barely made any friends._

_He suffers from severe depression after being taken out of a…complicated situation at home with a single father._

_How would you like it if I made fun of your life troubles? Leave Shinji be!_

_Hey…how long will you stay down about it Shinji?_

_She didn't mean it. She was just being, well…her. She's too proud to apologize, I'm sorry._

_Shinji, it's been a month, how long do you think you're gonna work without talking to Asuka? You're co-workers. Try to get along._

_Shinji…are you sure you don't want to try again? We could try a different school. You shouldn't give up on it altogether! I won't force you, but you limit your job opportunities by not finishing high school. It'll be harder to get into a university. I worry about your future._

_Shinji…I don't want you to not be productive. Sitting around like a shut in is no good. There's a café with open spots near the house. I talked to the manager for you. It's the best I can do for right now. I don't want you to work for the precinct. That's no environment for you._

_Shinji…are you crying? Did you take your medication yet? Are you thinking about…you know…your life before you came here to live with me? _

_I never really know what to say to get through to you, but I'm trying okay? I know it was…hell…Gendo Ikari treated you like shit. You're not there anymore. It's been three years hasn't it?_

_Shinji, you know…you never smile. You should try to smile...at least once. It'll be good for you._

_Oh…I can't really cheer you up much can I? I guess I'm bad at it._

_Shinji…? SHINJI? OH MY GOD! Shinji hang on! I'm calling an ambulance! Shinji…please don't die on me! Don't you fucking die on me! PLEASE!_

_I took you in because the courts thought I would be a good influence. Let's both try our best okay?_

_Hey there. Nice to meet you! My name is Misato Katsuragi. I wasn't one of the cops involved in your case, but I talked to your social worker. I'm going to be your new mom! Everyone is so excited for you. I mean, I've always known that I wanted to adopt, but I'm not big on little kids. Plus, I like you. I've always wanted a son._

He clutched the broom tightly, stopping for a moment.

The café wasn't having much business, even three workers seemed a bit much.

"Shinji…"

He didn't look up from the ground, knowing that it was Rei. Rei, who always treated him nicely since he started working in the café last year. She was the first person to notice that when Misato brought him in with a big grin on her face, he had bandages on places that could easily be associated with self-inflicted wounds. She didn't know the details and she didn't pry, which was always nice.

"I can take over sweeping. It's okay."

The little bell rung to signify another customer.

"Can you take care of it while I sweep then?"

"Sure Rei," Shinji walked around her and went behind the counter, standing before the register, "What can I get for you?"

"A vanilla latte, cream, no sugar. Also a bagel with butter, toasted."

"Okay…that'll be $5.45"

The transaction went through as the man handed cash, and he only truly looked up to see Asuka was still on her cigarette break. He quickly scribbled the order down and decided he best make it himself rather than bother the kitchen staff. It was simple enough and he'd done it countless times. Effort wasn't really necessary. Except today…maybe he'd overdone it a little on the pill popping? His hands were shaky, the tremors were back again. He might, "Oh no, I'm sorry! It'll be a few minutes longer!"

The bagel was toasting, but he had to start another latte from scratch. He could almost feel the lack of sympathy from the man at the counter. It meant nothing would probably be put in the tip jar…again. He inwardly cursed at himself. He had to keep it together. He was taking every day one step at a time, just like his psychiatrist encouraged him. When he had a moment like this, he had to stop, take a deep breath, and try again.

"Shit man…I better not be late because of this shit…ugh…"

He ignored the impatience of the customer and took his time instead.

The bagel was bagged and he came back with the bag in one hand a latte in the other, "Here you go."

"Took you all goddamn day! Geeze!", The man walked off without another word.

When he looked back, Rei was already cleaning up the mess from the spilled latte, "Oh…you didn't have to…"

"It's fine.", she nodded to herself, "There's no one else here. Asuka should be coming back. Maybe you should take a little break yourself."

He nodded, "Y-yeah."

"Are you okay though?"

As much as he wanted to believe that his coworker Rei Ayanami cared, he knew she was moreso apathetic, and didn't like conflict. She was always a fan of things running smoothly around the place. Unlike Asuka, she didn't get the job through Misato, rather, she knew the owner somehow. He didn't really question it. She'd been working there longer than him and Asuka.

He took off the green barista apron and walked towards the little locker room. Alone, he looked at his trembling hands. _It's okay…it's okay…just take deep breaths. Inhale…hold it a little…exhale…just like that. _The episode seemed to pass and the last thing he wanted was fresh air, but there weren't many other places he could spend his time alone without Asuka commenting that he was a weirdo.

"Asuka, it's Shinji's turn for a five minute break."

"Yeah yeah…I gotcha."

She'd seemed to be in a particularly bad mood today and Asuka in a bad mood was never a good thing.

Outside, he'd taken a breath, walking to one of the outside tables and taking a seat at it. He closed his eyes, holding his head in his hands, mentally counting. He would count out the whole five minutes of the break, by the second.

_30…31…32…_

He listened to the second hand of his watch tick. He just needed the time to himself. He needed to be alone. At the same time, he needed to be away from his own thoughts. The counting was the best way to be away from it all. This was what he did during his breaks.

_129…130…131…_

"When one is lost within their own heart, they often resemble a madman."

He looked up with wide eyes, "Huh?"

There was a teenage stranger sitting across from him and he instantly froze up.

_He looks like a ghost almost…_

"Ah, I always get that look when someone sees me in broad daylight."

Shinji was wary. This random stranger said something so weird and appeared out of nowhere. _How is it that I didn't even hear him walking over?_

The albino smiled a little, "Don't worry. I'm not a figment of your imagination. I'm very much real. I saw you sitting here and couldn't help but be interested. You seem lost."

"No…no I'm not lost or anything…", he looked away quickly. He'd been staring too much, staring at the albino teen's blood red eyes. He couldn't help it.

"That's not how I see it."

"What do you mean?"

"You seem lost in your heart."

"In my…heart?"

The teen nodded, "Indeed."

He wasn't sure how to respond to this stranger, "Oh uh…I'm sorry for staring. You look kind of like my co-worker. Like you could be related to her or something…"

"Ah I see. So you weren't staring because you'd never seen anyone like me before?", he chuckled a little.

Shinji shook his head, lowering his hands quickly, feeling he must have looked strange talking with his hands on his head. He quickly put them on his lap and looked down and at the table. He didn't maintain eye contact with people for very long.

"I like you. You haven't even asked me my name even though we've been talking."

"I uh…I didn't know if I should."

"Please…my name is Kaworu. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.", he leaned forwards a little, "And you are?"

There was a moment of silence, a long moment, before he muttered his response, "Shinji…"

"Five minutes."

He looked up at this Kaworu person again, "W-what?"

"Your break was for five minutes right? Your time is almost up."

He scrambled up, "O…oh yeah you're right!" The time seemed to fly and they hadn't even exchanged that many words. That was fine, he'd probably never see that guy again anyway, "I'm sorry, I have to go!"

Kaworu was just following him with his gaze, letting out a little relieved sigh, "What an awkward kid", he grinned to himself.

Inside the locker room, Shinji was putting his green apron back on.

"Get your ass out here! We've suddenly got a group. That after school rush."

Seriously, it hadn't even been a few minutes…but at certain times of day, it just got like that. He was following Asuka out, trying to ignore the fact that she smelled like her brand of cigarettes and the smell was unbearably strong since her break, "Asuka…"

"What!?"

"Perfume."

"Oh right, go ahead Shinji.", she turned and bolted back for the locker room. Perfume was necessary to mask the cigarette smell. The owner didn't like the smell and she didn't want to run the risk of customers not liking it either. Besides, if she met a cute guy or something, she'd have on a nice scent anyway.

He was on table duty and it was when he rushed back to put the next ticket in the window he noticed Rei approaching him, "Ah, is something wrong?"

"No. But a man in my section asked for you to be his waiter.", she shrugged.

"What table?"

"3 in section B."

"Roger!"

He had the feeling that he already knew who it was and he saw the white hair before coming up to the booth and seeing the boy. Notepad in one hand and pen in the other, he stole a glance at his eyes again, and they were staring at each other.

He blushed, "What can I get for you?"

"Nothing really."

He blinked, "Sorry sir, but you'll have to get something if you want to stay here. We're really busy right now so…"

"Oh? No need for formalities."

"Sir…"

"Water."

He didn't even need to write that, "Okay but, you'll need more than water if you want to stay in here. Water is always free."

Kaworu looked to the menu, smiling a little, "Then surprise me. Get me anything you think I'd like."

While he was trying to not look at him, he couldn't help it then, "E-excuse me?"

Kaworu just shrugged, never letting the brunette out of his sight, not even for a second, "What do you like here? I'll have that."

He knew he had to hurry, so he spun on his heal and scribbled down the special for the day. _Geeze…that took me by surprise._

Rei was passing him again, "Do you know him?"

"No."

"Okay…", she was going to put another ticket in and pick up a completed order coming out of the kitchen.

He went back to his section after putting that Kaworu guy's order in. The special was cheap, light, and tasted pretty good. He'd recommend it to anyone, but he wouldn't have been nearly as decisive and quick to act if it weren't for the fact that he had more tables to serve.

He'd been giving people their orders, and he turned and Rei was in front of him again, "Here's the special for your table. I went to take it to him and he asked that his waiter bring it. Are you sure you don't know him?"

"I'm sure. This is kinda weird isn't it?"

"Yeah…", she was off again after handing him the plate and glass.

He hurried out of his section, bringing the order, "Here you go. A special and I'm sorry if the other waiter didn't bring you the water while you were waiting…"

"I asked her not to. I'd rather have everything at the same time."

Shinji was avoiding eye contact again, "S-sure. Well enjoy!" He put it down and rushed away like his life depended on it.

Kaworu just looked away with a small smile, then looking down at the sandwich before him, "Well then…", he picked it up and decided to try it.

The rush had died down and none too sooner. Shinji let out a long sigh. That was when Rei was walking up to him again, "Shinji…"

"Uh huh…"

"He's still here", she seemed annoyed, "And he's asking for you again."

"He's not being mean to you is he?"

Rei shook her head, "No, he is very polite but working one less table in my section is a little annoying."

He decided to get out of dodge and quickly. He'd take a thousand angry Asuka's instead of finding out what Rei looked like when provoked.

Kaworu had finished the sandwich and water.

"Did you like it? Sorry for the wait. It was super busy…"

"I saw."

He reached and took the dishes, "Would you like the check now?"

"Sure. But first, I'd like to know, why are you lost?"

"I don't know what you're talking abou-"

Kaworu smiled a little wider, "I finally got you to look at me for more than ten seconds."

Shinji blinked down at him, unsure of what he was getting at, "Err..okay. I'll be back with your check then.", and he bolted. He wasn't looking back. If he could, he would volunteer to wash the dishes. The way that Kaworu guy was looking at him…what was with that intense look? It just embarrassed him. Unfortunately, Rei was giving him the check to bring to his table.

He was saved however, by Asuka grabbing it out of his hands, "I've never seen that guy before, but let me handle this. He's super cute!"

Shinji had never been so grateful. He just nodded, "Y-yeah!"

The rest of the day had gone without incident, and the guy left after Asuka took care of bringing him the check, collecting his money, and bringing him change.

Shinji watched him walk out and then reached to run his fingers through his short brown hair. He wondered, why his head felt so clear.

Either way, he figured that was the last time he'd be seeing that guy. _Or not…who knows._

He felt like his heart nearly stopped the next day when again the afternoon rush came in, except this time Kaworu was sitting in his section.


	2. Making A Friend

The encounter had been on his mind when he helped Asuka and Rei close. He'd thought about it when he locked the front door and swept the front. The girls left before he did because he willingly took the brunt of cleaning at night so they didn't have to get home too late. He'd put his headphones on and decided to let his playlist go. As he swept, the mysterious stranger dominated his mind. It was both a relief and a sin. A relief because he had something to focus on and he didn't have to worry about popping another pill, a sin because thinking about another person for so long was strange. There hadn't been a sinking feeling in his chest. He knew nothing about that guy though. He wondered if he would ever see him again.

Something about that guy just made him…curious.

It did get his attention in a big way. Why was Kaworu so seemingly focused on him? Even though they'd just met, what was with those intense stares? When Asuka came back and both he and Rei asked about their conversation, Asuka just said that he responded like anybody else would have and that it was nothing special. This had to have meant that he really didn't show as much of an interest in Asuka.

He tilted the dustpan and swept up small amounts of dirt.

_That was really weird._

Yet he was silently hoping that he would see him again.

He just came up and talked to him, and when their eyes would connect for seconds at a time, it sent a tingle up his spine. He didn't know what to feel honestly. Confused was the front runner because strangers didn't really notice him…didn't come and say such strange things out of nowhere.

_"When one is lost within their own heart, they often resemble a madman."_

_Just what the hell was that supposed to mean anyway? _He narrowed his eyes. _Did he call me crazy or something!? I don't get it at all. Plus he was acting so strangely, asking me for every little thing, like he just wanted to see me._

He went to put the broom and dustpan away and let out a sigh before stretching a little. He figured it was best to keep this to himself. Though when he left the café, he half expected to see the stranger waiting outside for him or something. There were people out and about, but none of them were him. He decided to just mind his own business and go home like he normally did. Looking to his watch, he saw that he was right on schedule. Checking his phone, he saw no new texts from Misato, meaning she wouldn't be working late for once, which was nice. He actually felt the need to be within the presence of company, which was a rare feeling he didn't want to waste.

Coming in through the front door, he closed it and saw that there was a box on the table with a note.

_'Hey Shinji, I can't really be on my phone tonight, but I will be at work late. I won't be able to text. My partner and I are after a really bad guy, you know that. No worries, it's nothing we can't handle. I'll tell you what I can when I get off if you aren't sleeping by the time I get in. Enjoy the bento that me and Penpen made for you!' ~ Hugs and kisses, Misato._

He felt his heart sink.

At the time he wanted some company, Misato wouldn't be there. He looked up and noticed Penpen was up and about.

It took him a year to get used to the fact that his new mother, Miss Misato, was a well-known police officer who had a pet penguin at home.

* * *

><p><em>When they'd pulled up to the house, he didn't really take a good look at it. He'd just been staring at his wrists. For the first time in his life, he had a new place to call home. Orphanages didn't count and he hated that place, even though it was a step up from being with Gendo. He briefly wondered what Misato was like. As long as she wasn't like Gendo, then it would be fine.<em>

_"You can call me Misato, you don't need to call me mom or anything. It's what I would want someone your age to do. Think of me as the cool hip mom!" She'd parked in front of the house and turned the car off._

_"Okay…", he just continued to stare at his scarred wrists._

_They'd gotten out and walked up to the little fence. Misato was explaining while carrying some of his bags, "I don't like the thought of being too strict on you. Like, I want you to invite friends over…as long as they're not rowdy friends that is! Ahaha! You're getting your own room! Oh wait! I said that already didn't I?"_

_When Misato unlocked the door, Shinji looked up. This was the place that he would be calling home now. It felt surreal to even let that thought wander into his mind and he needed to process it._

_Misato did seem nice. She wouldn't treat him like he was used to being treated._

_They'd put his things in the room up the stairs and to the right._

_"This was originally my guest room. I cleaned it up when I knew for sure that I was bringing you home. I can help you redecorate however you want! If you have posters or anything!"_

_"T-thanks.", his voice was low._

_Misato smiled, "Shinji, I know that everyone, including your social worker, told me that you don't like human contact, so I'm going to ask…can I hug you?"_

_He wasn't sure what to think and said nothing._

_Misato sighed, "Aww maybe it's too early. But I think since you never knew what it was like to feel a mother's touch; I could give you a hug, pat your head, and tell you that I'm glad."_

_"Glad?"_

_"Glad that you're my son now."_

_He froze up._

_"Okay! A tour of the house now!" _

_He didn't know how on the tour, he'd never noticed it before…_

_After the tour, he excused himself to retreat to the restroom. When he opened the door and walked in, closing it behind him, he'd walked up to the sink and looked in the mirror._

_Getting a mother's touch for the first time in his life? That was…certainly different…_

_He didn't know his biological mother. He had no memories of her, just a picture._

_That was when there was movement in his peripheral vison in the tub and he froze, turning his head slowly._

_Misato was in the kitchen, preparing snacks and humming to herself, sipping a beer._

_"MISATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

_She turned her head, "Eh?"_

_"WHY IS THERE A…A…..!? WHY IS….WHAT IS!? WHY IS THERE A PENGUIN IN THE BATHROOM!?"_

_She took another sip from the can of her favorite beer, "Oh. That's Penpen."_

_"WHAT THE HELL!?"_

_She gave a devilish grin, "Well then, this is the first time you've said more than two words to me. I'd say we're already making some progress as mother and son!"_

_"B-b-b-b-but! Why do you have a penguin!? Should we call animal control!? THE ZOO!? There's a penguin…"_

_"He's my Penpen. Or if you want, he also responds to Pen squared. I hope you guys can get along!"_

_As if on cue, the bird waddled out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his little bod, a fin pressed to hold it up, a shower cap over its head._

_Shinji was still flailing his arms, stopping everything to turn around at the sight and watch the bird go right past him._

_"Oh Penpen, this is Shinji. He's going to live here now so be nice!"_

_Penpen stopped, turned his head, gave a nod, then straightened up and continued walking._

_"D-DOES THE BIRD HAVE A ROOM TOO!?"_

_"Of course silly! That's my little man!"_

_Shinji just looked at her like she was nuts._

_Misato held a plate out towards him, "Sandwich?"_

* * *

><p>In the present, Penpen had come to the table with his own little bento box, probably also prepared by Misato.<p>

It'd been three years since that initial shock of the house 'pet', but he was completely used to it by now. He sat down at the table and went to open his up and blinked.

Written in sauce over the rice was a little message that said, "Hope work was good". He did like that. Miss Misato…she tried a lot to do things to make him smile or feel better. She was always offering to talk to him about his past, or even what he would want to do in the future. He didn't really ever want to talk about those things, so he would try to change the subject. He did acknowledge her efforts, and it made him feel lower than dirt for the suicide attempts when his emotions spiraled out of control. Really, living here was a paradise compared to what he'd come out of, even if Misato wasn't the cleanliest individual.

He looked up at Penpen, "Well I guess you're as good of company as any."

A few times Misato had gotten him to make a little smile, but even after three years, that was it. Despite the present, it wasn't like he could forget the past altogether and move on.

That was why his next appointment with his psychiatrist was in two days. He wondered if he should mention the stranger who'd spoken to him today. It was probably a good idea. Maybe Dr. Ritsuko would have a better idea of what to think about the words the stranger had said to him.

When he'd finished the bento, he noticed Penpen had his fin on the table.

"Oh? You'll wash the dishes tonight?", Shinji blinked, "Thanks a lot."

Honestly, that bird was more like another housemate than a pet and he definitely appreciated that.

_What to do now?_ He looked to his phone and wondered if he should try talking to someone? There was Asuka…

_Not happening._

He had Rei's number. Honestly he only had the numbers in case someone needed to call out or something. He'd actually never reached out to her before, but something on the inside told him that he'd just be a bother.

So he'd have to turn to his laptop and browse until he decided he'd go to sleep.

He wasn't exactly as adventurous as to reach out to people online, but there was a poetry blog that he followed religiously. It was like this person knew the things that he felt and put it into the most beautiful wording. It enchanted him and he saw that it was updated. He looked at the screenname and blushed a little.

_Tabris…_

Yes, this person often wrote some deep stuff and frankly he was always excited to know that someone like that even existed. He thought that maybe he could send Tabris a message. The option was there on the site…maybe that's who he could reach out to? It would make him feel better.

_What should I even say?_

"I…uh…really like your poetry? No that's stupid."

Tabris was incredibly popular on the site. Perhaps there were a lot of people who sent messages to him in private.

It was the net so….it wasn't like there would be too many consequences other than this person never getting back to him.

He clicked on the message feature…

_To Tabris, you wouldn't know me, but I follow this poetry blog all the time. I've read all of your poems, and the latest one really got to me. You're really good at it! Oh…but you probably hear that all the time. This is embarrassing, but I'm not feeling so well and wanted to talk to someone…_

He stopped…backspaced. He felt way too…clingy.

_This is embarrassing, but I wanted to know if you'd respond to all the messages that you get. I just wanted to let you know that you're doing a great job. Keep it up!_

He backspaced again….too cheery.

_I just wanted to let you know that you're doing a great job. Your poems really speak to me._

His mind was drawing blanks as to what else to say, so he decided to just send that. He knew there was no way someone like Tabris would respond to him. He opened up some other tabs after plugging his headphones in to listen to his online music lists.

When he went back to the blog and clicked, his eyes lit up. He'd gotten a message: _From Tabris. I'm always happy to know that my poetry impacts those who need it. Thank you for your kind words. If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me anytime._

"Feel free to…message me anytime…", he didn't really have a name for how quickly the joy crept up on him. He went to respond: _Well the poem you put up today talked about shades of heartstrings. I thought it was beautiful. My shade tonight would be grey._

Grey, in the poem, was the color for loneliness.

He sent the message, awaiting a response. After five minutes, the joy was starting to fade. He refreshed the page multiple times to make sure he didn't miss when a response came in. He was about to change tabs when he saw the little icon change.

He opened it: _From Tabris. Grey, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. This is one of the shorter heartstrings in the pattern of electrified muscle fibers that make up our hearts, but do not fret my friend. Feelings of loneliness can be solved by spending time with someone who has any sort of meaning and appeals to that particular string. I do not want to assume anything about whatever situation you may be facing, but keep your chin up and hang in there. I have a soft spot for people identifying with the grey heartstring, so please reach out to me whenever you want to. I will respond as soon as I can. The length of the heartstring means it often goes overlooked, which can be dangerous. People don't think it's as important as other heartstrings. It's a feeling that even I have come into contact with many times and it's never a fun experience. It is one that I still struggle with to this day, so we're in the same boat. How about us lonely people can be a little support for one another? Using the site as the bridge?_

He thought he could melt from the happiness. Tabris actually wanted to talk to him? Constantly? It was like a celebrity was stepping from their pedestal and coming down to his level. He wondered how someone like Tabris could ever be lonely, but he wouldn't question it. No, he needed to respond: _Of course I want to be in contact with you! I'm sorry my message isn't as long. Thank you. I feel a little less lonely now._

The response came back quicker than he thought: _From Tabris. It's no problem. What's on your mind?_

He decided to spend as much of his night as possible talking to Tabris before he would call it a night and go to bed.

* * *

><p>This time, Shinji just wondered if that Kaworu guy would try to strike up conversation, but the day was actually a little less hectic at the café. Either way, it didn't really matter as much if Kaworu showed up or not. He was actually a little happier on the inside than normally and was working with a little more enthusiasm. He'd been up all night talking to Tabris about things on his mind and he actually had to cut things short when Misato had come home. After greeting her, he retreated back to his room to continue where they left off. The talk was mostly about poetry, but still…it was something. He hadn't become alarmed about how late he'd stayed up until he actually was getting the earliest rays of sunlight in through his window and it startled him. He'd had a few hours to sleep before he needed to get to work, but that was fine. He'd made a friend.<p>

He was a little exhausted from the lack of sleep, but he was still happier than normal.

Rei seemed to pick up on it.

The afternoon rush was about to come in when the teenager from before seemed to go by without Shinji noticing. He was going to his tables, when he noticed Kaworu sitting in his section. This meant he couldn't retreat and let Asuka or Rei handle it. _I must not run away._

"What can I get for you today?"

"Exhaustion doesn't really fit you."

"Huh?"

"You have bags under your eyes unlike yesterday."

"I'm fine. Anyway, what can I get you for today?"

Kaworu smiled and leaned forwards, resting his elbow on the table and touching the side of his face, "The same as yesterday if you don't mind. I really enjoyed it."

Shinji nodded, "Alright."

Kaworu quirked a brow, "You seem a little brighter than yesterday."

"Ah…", he looked away and tried to not blush, "W-well not really.", he just decided to retreat and get back to work rather than have short conversations and waste time.

When he got his five minute break, he noticed that Kaworu guy had a laptop out.

He blinked when he noticed Asuka was looking in his direction after he'd stepped outside.

"Well you two sure were chatting it up."

"Um…not really…and uh…Rei said I can have my five minutes now. Oh but she asked if you could take lunch first today."

Her lips curled up wider than ever, "Ho man! Hell yeah I'll take lunch first!" She tossed her cigarette to the ground and stepped on it, turning to head back inside, her medium length red skirt swaying as she walked.

Shinji just took a seat at his usual spot and he half expected that Kaworu guy to try joining him again.

Two minutes had gone by and nothing. When three minutes passed, he thought maybe he should cut the break short.

"Hello there Shinji."

He looked up and there was Kaworu, his laptop in hand.

"H-hello.", he watched as the guy took the seat across from him.

"I'm sorry for not coming out sooner. Your break is still five minutes yes?"

"Y-yeah."

"So…in the two minutes we have, care to tell me why you didn't get as much sleep?"

"What's that to you anyway? You don't really…know me…or anything.", his eyes were shifting and he'd been looking down the whole time.

"I'm just curious. I'm sorry if I am being too forward."

_I…I have a friend already. Tabris. Why is this Kaworu guy talking to me again? Oh…but I did want to see him again. He kinda reminds me of Tabris in the way that he talks._ "Sorry, I'm not very good at talking to people…"

"That's fine. Time is almost up anyway it seems. However, I do recommend that you take care while working."

"Take care huh?"

Kaworu nodded, coming back to a stand and rather than leaving the premises, he'd walked back into the café. Other than him ordering the one thing, he really had no reason to stay there. Well…free WiFi, that was always a reason people hung around.

Shinji got up, going back inside and heading for the locker room. Asuka was taking first lunch, he'd take the second, and Rei would take third. The issue was always that he had to wait for Asuka to get back in before he could take his own break. It was fine; more people were coming in anyway. He'd be too busy to worry about it. He'd just take lunch when he saw her orange hair again, it was hard to miss.

When she did show up, he went straight for the locker room and then the break room to grab his lunch, leaving to go to his regular spot, the same one where he sat during the little breaks.

He'd opened up the packed lunch and blinked, having a dissatisfied expression at the fact that Misato accidentally threw a beer in the bag instead of soda to go with his lunch….again.

"I figured this was where you came for lunch breaks too. This really is your mini comfort zone."

He looked up to see that Kaworu had joined him at the table yet again, "Y-yeah."

"So…", he smiled, "How much time do we have now?"

"My lunch breaks are for an hour on weekdays and half an hour on weekends."

"Why the change on the weekend?"

"More people eat out."

"Ah…that makes sense."

Shinji wanted to ask about the laptop, but decided against it and to just eat his lunch. Things fell silent and he realized after a while that Kaworu had just been looking at him the whole time. It was a little creepy, "Uh…can you not stare at me while I eat?"

"My apologies", he snickered a little, "But you have to be the most proper eater that I've ever seen. I am interested in what's lifted your spirits. Yesterday you seemed lost; today you seem just a little less so."

"What did you mean by that anyway?"

"Hmmm?"

"You said I was like a madman or something."

Kaworu laughed a little, "I didn't mean for you to take offense. It was more about you seeming lost in your heart. I mean no harm truly."

_Maybe I could try…try making a friend? I mean…but no…this is real life…it's not like online…yet he keeps talking to me…_ "Why are you talking to me at all?"

A silence fell between them as Kaworu quirked a silver brow.

_Oh no…I asked that of all things. How stupid of me…Shinji you dummy. You're so stupid. He probably got offended by how you asked it…_

"When someone is lost in their heart, it's always good to have a friend isn't it?"

"You…want to be my….friend?"

Kaworu nodded, "I feel as if you could use one."

He sunk his head lower, "I….friend…? I…don't really know what to say…"

Kaworu smiled wider, "Think about it okay? I'd like to hear your answer before the week ends", with that, he'd gotten up and pulled his phone out, "Sorry, I need to take this call."

"Okay…", he watched Kaworu walk away. It seemed he was leaving for the day and not coming back. He finished his lunch and spent the rest of his time thinking about what to do. Here was someone in the flesh, offering to be his friend. A complete stranger…he shouldn't waste an opportunity. At the same time, would he even make a good friend for Kaworu to begin with?

When he'd gone back inside, he passed the table where Kaworu had been sitting and saw that a tip had been left. He went and grabbed it up, stopping when a little paper fell out from between the bills. He blinked, reaching and picking up the little neatly folded paper and couldn't fight back a blush when he unfolded it.

It was a phone number.


	3. Dr Ritsuko Akagi

_"Day 35…14:50. While his foster mother updated me that he is taking the medication that I have prescribed, he still hasn't said a word to me. At first, I feared that he held no desire to get better; however, evidence has contradicted my concerns. The patient, Shinji Ikari, seems receptive to his new environment. Many, including me, believe we made the right call."_

_"Day 35…16:50. The patient spoke to me for the first time. In every two hour session since I started on his case, he had not uttered a word. Mannerisms besides speaking have not changed. He does not make eye contact, which is typical of someone from his background. This behavior is shown to be non-discriminatory to gender, indicating he does not fear men or women, but people in general."_

_"Day 40…17:00. He is warming up to me little by little in the five days we've met since he originally started talking. He is receptive to all therapies offered, which is wonderful news. However, he still refuses to talk about anything regarding the past and tends to focus on the present. All questions about his past are answered with the word no."_

_"Day 146…17:00. I have still been unsuccessful in getting him to openly discuss the past; however, he doesn't have as much trouble talking about current issues, such as school. Bullying is something I fear may push him back into reclusive stages. I will grant a leave of absence for a few days' time."_

_"Day 149…17:00. I have increased the dosage for anti-depressants required for the patient. After his first day back in school, I have been informed that there was a fight. He has been suspended for three days and an emergency appointment has been scheduled for tomorrow. While I believed he may have had latent violent tendencies underlying his usual behavior, this was an unprecedented incident, with the student I shall just identify as 'the bully' being hospitalized."_

_"Day 150…17:01. It seems he grew extremely violent when the bully mentioned something about his parents in a joking manner. Today, he did not wish to talk to me about everything his classmate said to him. I will be hearing from his mother and school officials regarding the school's case recordings of the incident. I am curious as to what was said which triggered such violent behavior from an otherwise docile person. Today I decided to be blunter and ask specific questions. When asked if his father ever hit him with an object, his response was not a word but flinching. When asked if he was encouraged at home to hurt himself, the response was the same. When asked if he was touched in a sexual manner, he did not respond, but did not flinch. I am not entirely sure if this indicates no history of sexual abuse or not. When pressing the issue further, he did not wish to speak to me any longer."_

_"Day 163…17:30. The session went longer than expected. The patient must feel more comfortable in my office. The first hour was spent trying to soothe him from his nervous breakdown. I will have to prescribe different medications regarding the other issues I have seen. Patient has always expressed strong suicidal tendencies, so I have informed his mother to keep a closer eye on him. When asked about what was wrong, he could only reply with the word 'everything'. I worry he may attempt again and soon."_

_"Day 187…17:02. The patient has been released from the hospital and the files will be sent to me regarding his case. Just as I believed, he tried to commit suicide. He kept skipping out on his medications and thankfully his foster mother had been home when the incident occurred. It appears the school bully did not mention his father, but insulted his biological mother. I am aware that his mother passed away a week after childbirth from illness and his father had full custody until the 9-11 call for what a neighbor mistook for domestic violence. I am aware that he keeps a picture of his mother on him at all times, and that it is a very sensitive issue. He believes that he killed her by existing and without a doubt I believe this mentality is just his own father talking through him. He believes that if she were alive, his life would have been better. As much as he is assured that he is not to blame and that there is no guarantee of a better life from this, he is insistent. He showed me the picture of his mother and for once I saw something I had not seen before: a little pride. He projects this in subtle ways in the present by treating women with the utmost respect at all times. The subject of his mother is a notable trigger to possible violent outbursts. I must say since his suicide attempt, he is more talkative surprisingly. Perhaps this is only a result of our session focusing on the topic of his biological mother. The single mother environment of his foster home was indeed the best possible choice, as he would not have been receptive to a male presence."_

_"Day 188…17:07. Patient denies sexual abuse, but I still harbor doubts. Patient does not deny physical and mental abuse. Patient does not deny the validity or accuracy of the attempted murder charged to Gendo Ikari before his disappearance. When prompted to talk about bodily scars, patient became less willing to speak to me. Patient has always shown signs of a torture victim and today symptoms were a little more pronounced. Symptoms are strikingly similar to another patient who is a war veteran. When prompted to talk about his mother, the patient asked that I drop the subject. When asked about any possible romantic interests in the opposite gender, hoping I did not catch signs to indicate aggression, agitation, or obsessive behaviors, patient denied romantic interests in anyone and became flustered. I believe this is because he has not been faced with this question before, regardless of the fact that the patient is at puberty age. I hypothesize that the patient becoming flustered was more akin to a normal teenage male reaction to the prospect of romantic interests. In short, he was embarrassed."_

* * *

><p>"Shinji…"<p>

"I know…you're going to record."

"Thank you for being so patient with me."

"It's no problem. I really wanted to talk to you about something…"

Dr. Ritsuko Akagi leaned forward a bit, quirking a brow, "What is it?"

"There is this stranger who showed up at the café a few days ago. He started talking to me and he said he wants to be my friend, yet he's giving me till tonight to answer him. He even…he gave me his phone number…"

Ritsuko smiled, "Why isn't that something!?"

"Please don't smile like that! I'm embarrassed! I don't know if…"

"Do you know the stranger's name?"

"Yeah…he said his name was Kaworu."

"I see. They've been very nice to you and yet gave you a deadline to respond to their request for friendship", she actually laughed a little, "That is something else. This is certainly a character who's stepped into your life out of the blue."

"B-but Dr. Akagi! I don't know him at all!"

"Shinji…I think it's about time you made a real friend. I know your relationship with your coworkers is okay and well, those are really the only relationships you have other than with Misato and Penpen. A guy friend might turn out to be a good thing, as long as he isn't a trouble maker. Knowing you after all these years, I know you wouldn't stay friends with someone who was a trouble maker."

Shinji shifted in his seat, not looking his long time psychiatrist in the eyes directly, "I don't know how to make friends. What if he got tired after a while and thought that I was boring? What if he doesn't like me after…"

"Getting to know you? I doubt that. Why don't you try taking it slow? You said he gave you his number. Instead of calling it, text. Let him know that you're not comfortable talking on the phone and you get nervous when talking in person. So many people nowadays love texting, I'm sure he wouldn't mind contacting you that way."

"Are you sure?"

She smiled her sweetest smile, "Yes, I'm positive." _A friend could be a positive influence on his life. I am interested in his interactions with a male friend; considering he's had particularly nasty interactions with other boys in the past. This person seems forward and yet not too demanding. At the same time, I understand that Shinji will be more inclined to accept the request if I act as 'motherly' as possible and encourage it. I wonder if he's telling me this before Misato…I should call Misato later._

Shinji had taken his phone out of his pocket and let out a sigh, "I can't text him yet. I don't have the courage to."

Ritsuko nodded, "That's perfectly fine. I understand that you need to build it up, however, you should at least give this boy a yes or a no eventually. Tell me more about your encounters…"

"Well he first saw me sitting outside the café during my five minute break. He just walked up to me, sat down, and I didn't even realize that he did that until he spoke."

"What did he say?"

"He said… when one is lost within their own heart, they often resemble a madman. I've been trying to figure out what that means for days and I have no idea. So I wanted to ask you."

Ritsuko shook her head slowly, "I haven't a clue what that means."

"He talked about me looking like I was lost in the heart. He said I looked like I needed a friend."

"Lost in the heart you say?"

"Yeah…"

"What an odd thing to say to a person."

"That's what I've been thinking for days now. Ever since then, he's been coming in regularly. Always coming in at the same time and ordering the same thing, always coming to the same seat in my section so I have to serve him. He's really nice, but I just think it's really strange. Rei and Asuka already noticed and kept asking me if I know him and I keep saying no."

Ritsuko chuckled, "It sounds less like someone who wants to be your friend and more like someone who has a crush on you."

"That's impossible. Why would anyone like me? I'm still trying to figure out why he would want to be my friend at all."

Ritsuko nodded and took notes in her notepad. _He hasn't shot down the idea of a romantic same sex relationship. He is just as embarrassed as when I poked at the possibility of a relationship with a girl some years ago. This is a significant progression in attitudes towards men in general._ "I want you to try it. Try making a friend…try being a friend. Nothing more, nothing less."

"I don't know how…"

"I'm sure Kaworu will let you know what he's looking for in a friendship the more you two talk."

"You…really want me to respond?"

"I look forward to our next session after you do respond to him. He gave you until tonight right?"

Shinji nodded, looking back to the phone.

Ritsuko shook her head, "Please don't stand him up. He was nice enough to go through the trouble. If you don't want to, at least tell him no."

"But…I…", he sunk his head lower, running his fingers through his short brown hair, "Maybe…I…I'm freaking out but…maybe I am curious. I don't know what it will be like to make a friend. I'm kind of scared Dr. Akagi…"

"I know you are, but this is what we've been talking about for so long. Shinji, overcoming your fears will happen all the faster if you have someone else in your life who you can talk to and rely on besides me." _It had already been established in Shinji's mind that I am within a category closer to a 'friend' to him than anyone else in his life. An actual friend would have a significant impact on his behavior and ability to open up. Perhaps I can use this to get him to talk more about his past with me. Putting up a motherly face is a tiring thing for me, yet it's the only thing he'll willingly respond to. I know this all too well._

Shinji had gone quiet again, retreating back into his own thoughts.

Ritsuko was quietly studying everything about him. When Shinji talked about making a friend, he had so much doubt and it was apparent in his subtle body language. He truly was afraid of the prospect and she couldn't blame him for that. Frankly speaking, the teenager had none. His coworkers could not be considered as such. He'd gotten into arguing matches with Asuka Langley Soryu all the time since he'd first gotten the job. That girl could be vindictive and she didn't waste a chance to chew Shinji up and spit him out, almost causing him to relapse on treatments. However, Misato stepped in the middle put an end to that. He'd gone to work for two months not talking to Asuka at all, trying to pretend that she didn't exist. He'd been stuck in a conundrum he hadn't been before: dealing with a female bully. While he would respect women with every fiber of his being, his last encounter with a bully had been…unpleasant for the bully a few years ago.

It was of course, not to Ritsuko's surprise when Shinji expressed in her office once that he wanted to 'strangle' Asuka. Yet he never acted on it. It was of course better to let him vent those feelings out, which she was able to get him to do.

Things calmed down after Misato had a talk with both of them to try to get them to get along. To this day, Asuka had never uttered an apology for her actions. However, she was very surprised at Misato's ability to play peacekeeper between the two.

Despite the negative impact of meeting her, it was providing more data on an aspect of Shinji's personality that she couldn't explore by directly asking him: those violent tendencies.

Ritsuko narrowed her eyes. Then there was Rei Ayanami and she personally did not want Shinji to befriend that girl at all. Just looking at that little brat was irritating. When asking about their relationship, Shinji had just mentioned that it was 'fine' and he'd been very passive and uncaring, so that was all she needed to know. No one was really a problem until they caused Shinji any harm, and yet she loathed that child more than Asuka nearly driving all of her progress with Shinji backwards by a year and half single handedly.

"Shinji, I want to reiterate something with you."

"What's that?"

"Tell me…there isn't anyone in your life currently that you consider in your mind a friend?"

He actually looked up at Ritsuko and she nearly dropped her pen in surprise. _He's looking me in the eyes…_

Shinji then looked away quickly, a blush all too present in his cheeks, "T-there is someone…"

Now she was way more intrigued, "Oh? Tell me…"

"I made a friend this week…but they're online."

"Do you feel like having one friend already is enough? There is nothing wrong with having more than one friend you know."

"I know but…it's not the same as someone in person. They are…a uh…poet…and I really like their poetry. So I messaged them. I haven't been getting sleep at night because we stay up all night talking."

_This is new._ "Did this start just this week?"

Shinji nodded, burying his head in his hands again.

"Shinji…why are you hiding?"

"It's just embarrassing okay? It's easier to talk to someone I can't see or hear. I don't get as nervous."

"This is why I told you to text Kaworu instead of call your answer. Tell me more about your online friend."

"I don't know anything about them. Like I don't know their real name, where they live, nothing like that. It…doesn't matter though. We talk about poetry a lot because that's what we have in common. When I first found it, it was so amazing. So I went back and read everything they'd ever posted on the site. I felt like that was a bit much to admit but, it's really that good. I like everything they write."

"Would you care to bring me a sample?"

"Uh…"

"It doesn't have to be anytime soon. As for the material, why don't you bring me something that makes you happy?"

"Okay."

"Okay?" _Here I thought it would take more convincing. This online person is working some magic in this boy. _"Next session, bring it to me. What do you call your friend anyway?"

"Oh um, their username is Tabris."

She took more notes. _I can find it on my own, I do need to see just how willing Shinji is to share this new information. It seems he continues to hold a great deal of trust in me. I determined through trial and error last year that this was because I have displayed a motherly attitude as opposed to a professional one. And yet, the office setting is a constant reminder that he is here to talk to me about what's on his mind, not make a friend. Previous sessions held in other locations caused him some anxiety, so he continues to find my office as some kind of haven away from a world that wants to interact with him, and yet he won't let it. Shinji is still trying to fill the hole left by not having a mother and has made zero efforts into doing so about a father figure. Despite Misato being his foster mother, she doesn't act with the same level of maturity that I do…all the time, so he does not entirely view her as a mother. This is troublesome for me because I have to play into it. Misato is not going to change. Perhaps he sees me as the ideal for what a mother should be like. Oh the irony, I never wanted any kids and I'm sure I'd be a terrible mother._

Shinji looked over to her desk and blinked, "Dr. Akagi, you got a new cat figure?"

She leaned back on the sofa across from the one he sat on, "I did. I saw it at the store and I thought that it was nice. I couldn't really resist buying it."

"I see…it's a nice addition to the other cat figures."

Despite this being a line where he could have smiled, Ritsuko noticed he did not.

Since she'd become his psychiatrist three years ago, there were two things that he had never done in her presence. He never looked her in the eye and he never smiled.

She could mentally cross one of the two off the list. _How long would it be before he is able to smile even a little?_ Her cat figure had the power to make her of all people smile, and yet they couldn't do this for her adolescent patient who suffered a great many things in his relatively shorter life.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure. Anything you'd like Shinji…"

He shifted a bit in his seat, "Why do you like cats so much?"

She grinned, "Cats are as cunning as they are graceful. They are independent and do not rely on others when they are old enough. They are capable of amazing feats through their physical adaptations despite how they may look. And best of all, they only care when they need to." _The last line should ease his growing anxieties a bit._

"I see. I used to have one."

_He's talking about his past!? _"Tell me about it."

"I didn't have it for very long. I picked it up off the streets. I thought it needed a home, so I could be its home."

_Shinji never regarded the place he lived with Gendo Ikari as home, he still refuses to do so to this day._

"But…"

"But?"

"My…father…"

"Please keep going." She was back to taking notes. This was all new information and she couldn't believe the stroke of luck that he was talking about any aspect of his past.

"He snapped its neck in front of me when he found out I had it. A pet had the opportunity to make me happy. I was not allowed to know what happiness was."

"Shinji…I know I've asked you this many times before but, what is happiness to you?"

The dejected look he shot to the floor was even getting to her, "I don't entirely know yet."

There was a moment of silence.

"Shinji, what do you think love is?"

He shook his head, "It isn't what gave me these scars."

_Thankfully, Shinji Ikari does not associate the hell he went through as 'love'. He does not enjoy pain himself and he does not enjoy causing pain to others. Despite his background, it is remarkable that he has not shown the signs of a serial killer. Instead, he became a docile, gentle, and kind person when not provoked into his latent violent tendencies._

"Does your writer friend…Tabris…ever write about love?"

He paused for a moment, thinking, searching his memory, "Briefly."

"Do they ever write about happiness?"

"Yes."

She took more notes, "Those parts of their poetry have not touched you in any way?"

"Love and happiness are just more words in the dictionary Dr. Akagi."

She paused, tapping the butt of the pen on her notepad, "I'm sorry you think that is so Shinji. Misato loves you." _Gendo Ikari is still speaking through you Shinji. This troubles me so much. It's been three years and I can still hear your father's words and not your own. You are still under his conditioning, still under his training…his spell. He's long gone…no one knows what's even become of him._

He sighed, "She cares about me."

"But you don't think she loves you?"

"She loves alcohol more."

"I can't argue with you on that one, yet I cannot entirely agree. She loves alcohol yes, she also loves you. There is no association between these two types of love and affection. She loves Penpen too."

"Like heartstrings?"

"Huh?"

"Could you say the different types of feelings that we feel are like heartstrings?"

Ritsuko shrugged, "I feel this is a poetic approach to the cognitive senses."

"Our feelings are heartstrings. They are all different sizes and the things and people in our lives tug at each one specifically. Tabris says that love itself is made up of a bunch of heartstrings that come together and form a pillar of strings. A lot like how muscles are made up of fibers, each fiber made up of smaller threads…"

Ritsuko blinked. Shinji was educated…to a degree. He'd made it through freshmen year…and had only gotten halfway through sophomore year before it was determined that he would be unable to continue high school. The decision caused a bit of a rift between her and Misato. Truly, he was not okay for the social interaction. He needed to start off with something much smaller. Right now, he would have been a junior; instead he worked at the café that Misato frequented. The owner owed Misato quite a lot. But from what she knew, Shinji had never taken anatomy, "This…Tabris you called them? They seem very educated. Perhaps they might be older?"

"I can ask them the next time I talk to them."

"I express some caution when speaking to people online. I hope you haven't given away any information about yourself."

He shook his head, "No I haven't."

Whether he knew it or not, the online interaction was making him a little happier. However, "I want you to make friends with this Kaworu, I truly do", _a live social interaction would be much better to start with, _"Shinji…would you ever want to go back to school?"

He froze, looking up at her.

She frowned at the sudden tears brimming. _No, he isn't emotionally ready._ "Besides browsing the net every now and then and watching the tutoring videos that I have been sending you, perhaps by next year, we can talk about you getting an optional degree, for people who didn't make it through high school, that's an equivalent. I'm sure Misato feels the same."

"Would I have to go…?"

"I can make the reservations necessary to minimize the interactions. You're a very bright kid and I always say that I could see you going to a university and doing well."

"I don't know. I like things the way they are now."

"One step at a time, as always. You know this is want we want for you…to be able to function normally outside of this office…out there, where life is."

"I know…but…I can't…"

"I know you can't", she sighed.

The poor boy looked like he might have another nervous breakdown, "Dr. Akagi…you aren't disappointed in me are you?"

She shook her head slowly, curling her lips up at either side, "Shinji, I'm actually very satisfied with how you're progressing. You've maintained your job for a year and even though it started off rocky, you get along with your coworkers. You've interacted with a variety of customers and now you've made a friend both online and offline. Do it…go for it. Text that guy and make a friend."

He was wiping his eyes to try to seem like he wasn't about to cry, "O-okay…"

_He might feel that Misato is disappointed in him as well. That could be troublesome. It might trigger a relapse if he keeps harboring those feelings. I do not want him to try to off himself again. I hope this Kaworu person is…to be frank, just what the doctor ordered. He seems a little strange, but it could be a positive influence if it works out just right. _"Shinji…", she could tell already…she was going to spend the rest of the time trying to soothe him again, "Let's end the session here alright? We'll meet again next week. Why don't you tell me then about how things went with your new friend?"

"O-okay…"

She was always prepared for this part. Hopefully, this new friend would be able to respect that he didn't like human contact from almost everyone. Putting the notepad down, she got up and stretched, then walking briskly over, black heels making a clicking noise with each step. Kneeling down and grabbing a tissue, she held it out towards the teen, keeping her face straight, "There there." Without a word, she'd placed a hand on his head. _Slowly, steady, easy with the movements, let him see and know what the next move will be. No surprises._

Yes, not even Misato could engage in physical contact with him. That was probably because she, as his psychiatrist, knew him the longest. She had built the trust with her patient to allow even something so small as a pat on the head, already considering the implications.

No wonder he thought of her like a mother and couldn't help to associate her as 'motherly' in his mind.

_This is such a bother, but it will help you Shinji, so I guess it's okay._

* * *

><p>Shinji stayed huddled under the blankets of his bed, staring at his phone.<p>

He'd been able to pull himself together after his session was over with Dr. Akagi, however, he couldn't stop the sinking feeling in his chest when he got home. It was okay, he was alone.

He knew he was supposed to take the medication, but it just sat on the dresser.

The sinking feeling got worse with each passing second and each tear hitting the green sheet.

He stared at his phone. It was late in the evening. Reaching, he sent the one worded response to the number he'd gotten in the café.

* * *

><p>AN: Read and review. ;D


	4. Kaworu Nagisa

_He said yes…_

He'd been staring at his phone in disbelief, reaching to run a hand through his silver hair.

The unknown number with the one texted word 'yes' had come up unexpectedly. Yet he couldn't help but feel that there was something wrong. He decided to be a little daring. After saving the number under the name 'Shinji', he called.

"…"

"I wasn't expecting you to actually answer", he smiled a little.

"Please…"

His smile instantly turned upside down. He spun the black wheeled chair away from the white canvas before him, "Are you alright?"

"No…"

"What's wrong?"

"Everything…"

The albino leaned forward in his chair, "Should I come to you?", He eyed the clock. It had just turned midnight, but he didn't care about something as trivial as the time of day.

"No…"

"What would you like me to do? You don't sound well."

"I don't know…"

Kaworu smiled, "How about I tell you a story?"

There was a pause on the other line before the answer came in the form of a low sob, "Okay…"

He sat back, spinning the chair and eyeing the paintings on the wall, "A more upbeat story, one that will make you laugh without a doubt." He smiled again, "Just for you." He took the silence on the other end as an approval, "Okay…so, this story begins in a little cottage. At the cottage there lived a little white dog with brown spots and a pink nose…"

* * *

><p>He wasn't sure how he was going to face Kaworu the next day.<p>

Not only did the albino teen stay up all night to tell him some clearly farfetched but funny story to calm him down, but that soothing voice stayed on the line until he'd drifted off to sleep at early hours in the morning.

When Shinji woke up, he'd checked his messages on the poetry blog first. He'd gotten a response from Tabris and needed to apologize for not getting back to him in a day's time. Next, he'd checked his phone. He saw that he'd fallen asleep still on the line and to his horror the line was still going. He was about to hang up when he'd heard a voice.

"Ah, you're awake now? That's good."

_Did this guy get no sleep at all!?_

"I can tell because the movements are different. Good morning."

"Good…morning…"

"I'll be there at the same time as usual. See you later!"

_How could someone be so cheerful?_ _Did he stay up all night and listen to me sleep over the phone!?_ As much as he wanted to be weirded out by that, it did mean that this person he barely knew was concerned about his well-being.

Though he wasn't sure how he was going to face Kaworu in person without trying to run away from him out of sheer embarrassment. How could he have done something like accept the call? More importantly, what kind of magic did Kaworu work that he'd been able to calm him down and get him to focus on nothing else but that soothing voice for hours into the night?

He shook his head.

_What is this? Some power of friendship…stuff…like in a manga?_

Whenever the little bell rang to signify a new customer, he looked to the door, waiting, expecting. Wanting him to come in like he said he would. _He promised he would be here. _He looked at the clock. It wasn't time yet. He had to be patient. Was he being too clingy to this thing called friendship? They barely still knew anything about each other.

"Shinji, you can take first lunch…"

"No, I want to take second lunch. Give it to Asuka please. Better yet, you take it Rei."

She blinked at this sudden display of kindness, "Ah…okay? I'll give it to Asuka."

If he took the first lunch, he'd miss being able to serve Kaworu. It was after the afternoon rush came in that he thought to himself…_I could have taken first lunch and just sent a text him and told him. How stupid of me!_

When Kaworu walked through the door, their gazes connected, red to blue and blue to red.

He looked away when he saw the albino had a wide grin.

Despite how shy he'd felt, his feet were taking him over to the table and his hands clutched the notepad and pen, even though he already knew what his new friend would ask for on the menu. He noticed the laptop on the table again, meaning that Kaworu would stay even after finishing the meal, "How can I help you?"

"I like that look."

His blue eyes shifted, "What look?"

"You look hopeful. It's a nice look."

"Did you…?"

"Stay up the whole time? I did. I don't get much sleep at night, but I'm used to it."

He frowned a little, "How come?"

"I'm just an insomniac. It's no big deal."

"Sleep is important though."

"Not so much for me."

Their eyes met again.

"The special again?"

"Yes, get me the special."

"Oh but…the chefs changed the special. I forgot to tell you they change the special every week. It's not that sandwich anymore."

"What's the new special? I'll have that."

"With water?"

"No. I think I want to have something you can make for me. What are you best at?"

There was a new feeling. With a glint of pride in his eyes, he kept up the eye contact with his new friend, "No one can resist my hot chocolates." He paused, then turned away with a face consuming blush. _I cannot believe I just said that…_

"I'll have it. I'll order that from now on. Do your best Shinji-kun."

He was gone before another word could be uttered so he could put the order in, try to pull himself together, and check up on other customers…with a straight face.

Kaworu was just smiling innocently at him.

He needed to take deep breaths before he started the drink. He closed his eyes, then reopened them.

Asuka paused to watch with a glint in her eye.

"Asuka, what are you…?"

"Ssssh! Shinji is about to make a hot cocoa! Maybe I'll finally be able to see how he makes them so damn good!"

Rei tried not to snicker. Indeed, winter was rapidly approaching. People would request hot chocolates and when they did, Shinji was the man to ask. He made them with such skill and showmanship, it would make customers stop to watch.

Asuka turned around, looked into Shinji's section, and called out, "Who ordered the hot chocolate?"

Kaworu looked up from his laptop and stopped typing, "I did."

"Hot cocoa orders come with a show. Come watch your barista make it for you! If you've never seen it before, now is a great chance." When it was Kaworu who approached the countertop, she'd blinked, "Oh it's you again."

He smiled, "There is a show with every order of hot cocoa?"

She grinned, "You damned right. Our Shinji has some showmanship like no other. It'll blow your fucking mind", she pointed to where Shinji had his eyes closed and his hands pressed before him on the counter top, an empty cup in front of him, and the ingredients ready.

Kaworu blinked, "I wonder just what I'm in…", then the show began, "…for…"

Shinji didn't need to think about it. He'd perfected his own way of doing it, of making it, and what made it all the better was his ability to completely block out the world while he focused. He wasn't nervous because this was familiar territory. He didn't need to think about this being made for his new friend Kaworu. He didn't worry about impressing anyone. He just knew that his showmanship was his way of playing around and the ingredients counter was his playground.

It was like he went into his own zone and when he came out of it…

"Can I get a hot cocoa too!?"

"Me too! I'll pay extra to see that again!"

"I thought he was gonna drop the cup! Oh my gosh! He juggled it!"

"How can he catch cinnamon in midair like that!?"

"That was amazing!"

Delighted customers crowded behind Kaworu.

Asuka just continued to grin at the clearly astonished Kaworu. _Shit man…I watched Shinji make it again and again and I still can't pull that shit off no matter how hard I'd try!_

Shinji came to and turned to look both ways, before rushing over to the counter top and set the hot drink before his number one customer, "For you. I hope you like it!"

Kaworu looked down slowly. That cup of hot chocolate looked absolutely stunning.

The people behind him started to urge him gently, "Hey the guy made it for you. How is it?"

"Man if you don't drink it, I will and pay double!"

Shinji walked away to grab another cup, feeling an unfamiliar feeling in his heart. It wasn't like the small bursts of pride every now and then that he was capable of. No, this felt like more.

Kaworu couldn't resist taking a picture of it with his phone. Then he went to bring the cup up to his lips and tasted the slowly melting cinnamon topped whipped cream before a rush of steaming chocolate. He brought the cup down and set it on the counter, looking over to his barista.

The small gathering behind him held their breaths.

Shinji hadn't been looking. He was making a drink for someone else.

Kaworu waited until he was finished to say something, "This is… the best cup of cocoa I've ever tasted."

Shinji froze, looking towards the floor. That feeling was rising.

Asuka quirked a brow and whipped out her phone to send Misato a text.

Rei took out her phone to take a picture.

Shinji…was smiling…just a little, but he was definitely smiling.

There was no mistaking it.

* * *

><p>"I couldn't believe it when I saw it man! Ahaha that boy never smiles at work! NEVER!", Asuka paused, "I KNOW! Dude, he's been working here for a year and never smiled, not even once! I thought it was impossible but that…shit that! That was a genuine one…bonda fide. I had to look outside to make sure the world wasn't ending!"<p>

Shinji just swept the floor as Asuka had already walked out and was headed home, loudly proclaiming the highlight of the day to someone on the phone.

Rei had a little smile of her own, "Shinji…"

He looked over, "What is it?"

"You have a nice smile."

He froze, then looking down to hide his face, "T-thanks…"

Honestly, every time she'd asked about how Shinji knew this Kaworu person, he'd said all last week that he didn't know him. Today, she'd gotten an answer she wasn't expecting.

"He's…my new friend."

_That Kaworu guy seems like he's flirting way more than trying to build a friendship. _She kept sweeping. _Not that it's any of my business. I mean…he got Shinji to smile, and that's saying something._

She hadn't been surprised when she'd left for the day to see none other than Kaworu sitting outside at one of the outdoor seats.

"Good evening miss."

"Good evening."

A silence fell between them. Rei just turned and started off in the direction facing home.

"No words for me?"

She stopped, "I don't really know you, but I will say one thing and one thing only."

He blinked, "Oh?"

Rei turned, glaring at him harshly, "You hurt Shinji, I hurt you. That's a promise."

"What a scary look miss. I understand."

With that, she'd turned and took her leave.

Shinji had come out afterwards, clearly surprised to see that Kaworu was waiting outside, "Huh? What are you doing here?"

Kaworu came to a stand, slinging his laptop bag over his shoulder, "I was waiting for you to get done. I wanted to thank you."

"Thank me?"

"Well your talent for making a cup of hot cocoa really made my day."

"W-What now?", he looked to his watch. It was a decent time of night and he knew Misato wouldn't be home when he got back.

He was alone…with Kaworu…

Who was smiling that now familiar smile, "How about we go for a walk and talk about things?"

Shinji nodded, clutching his own bag a little tighter. _Why am I not getting anxious? Usually, people make me want to run and hide but it's the opposite right now._

They just walked off side by side, neither looking at the other, neither initiating any sort of contact.

* * *

><p>"Um Kaworu…it seems like we don't really have a direction."<p>

"What is direction without purpose?"

Shinji blinked, "Direction without purpose?"

"Exactly. Direction without purpose."

Shinji shrugged, "I guess that would be a little chaotic wouldn't it?"

"Oh? What makes you say that?"

"We'd be walking around aimlessly", he sighed, "What's the point of that?"

"Aimlessness, the great illusion. We are all moving towards something. There is nothing in existence that is moving towards nothing. There isn't really that thing we call nothing."

"Nothing doesn't exist? Then what do you call sitting around?"

Kaworu chuckled, "Sitting around. You may say someone sitting in a chair is doing nothing, but they are literally sitting and who is to say there are not contemplating? Isn't that doing another something?"

"I guess so. But they aren't moving towards anything by sitting in a chair."

"Really now?"

"Really!"

Kaworu shook his head, "Who are we to say that? Our bodies may not move but our thoughts do, our emotions do, the soul is always flickering…always moving."

Shinji sighed, "And what's a soul then oh great philosopher?"

"The sarcasm is appreciated." He stopped, pointing up towards the night sky.

Shinji followed the index finger with his eyes, then looking up.

"Our bodies are merely the vessels to house the soul, the real us. Our thoughts, feelings, emotions, this is the real us. These things can act separately to the body can they not?"

"I guess so. I don't really see your point overall. The conservation seems aimless."

"As in my words don't seem to have a purpose to you?"

"They just fly over my head I'm afraid."

Kaworu laughed.

Shinji looked down towards the ground, "A-are you laughing at me? I may not be as smart as you but I…"

"I don't mean to sound insulting at all. I truly mean you no harm Shinji-kun."

_Why am I doing this? Why am I walking with him? Why am I talking with him? I don't really understand him but…at the same time, I'm not anxious at all. Who is he really? My new friend is…_ "You're really weird."

Again Kaworu laughed, "Allow me to, and I can show you a world in which you are unaware of."

"No thanks."

Kaworu was looking at him now.

He refused to meet that ruby gaze, "I've seen enough of how this world works and I don't want to be a part of it."

Kaworu frowned a little, "You have never seen the beauty of living?"

"What beauty? Life is a curse that I happened to get dragged into against my will."

"Shinji…"

He froze. _Oh crap…I said that out loud…! I didn't mean to…_

Kaworu was in front of him, extending a hand out towards him, "Do you know what it means to really be alive? Let me…and I can show you. Of course, I will only do this if you allow me to."

"What are you talking about even…? I don't understand…"

He lowered his hand, "Shinji, I don't think walking around and feeling like life is a curse is a good way to go about. I know how you feel, but I want you to be able to experience the elation that I have come to feel by finding the inner beauty in things that are here while we are here."

"Are you coming on to me?"

Kaworu had a hand over his mouth, his other arm wrapped around his front and holding his side, and he was laughing much harder, "No…no…oh my gosh… you are just delightful you know that?"

Shinji wanted to have a rebuttal, but he was blushing and fumbling over words at being called delightful of all things.

"What I mean is, I'd like to open your eyes." He knelt down on the path, reaching forward and grabbing a bit of dirt and grass, holding it up, "What do you see?"

"Dirt…", he shrugged, "And a few blades of grass…"

"That's the difference. I see life here." His look was gentle, "This small patch is home for a number of organisms. I can picture all the possibilities of living things I now hold in my hand. This is a little world of its own." As he said this, an ant scurried out from the patch and onto his wrist, "This little guy is aware that I've just disrupted that."

"Sorry…I wasn't really good at biology…"

He chuckled, watching the black ant dart across his pale skin, spreading his fingers to let the dirt fall back to the patch, "It's not about being good at anything, it's about acknowledging what is already there, but people refuse to see. So many are blind to the world around them and all of its possibilities. Its beauty. There is much beauty to be found in our ability of choice. I can crush this ant…or…", he put his hand down, the ant darting off and onto the pavement, "I can show it mercy and let it go back home."

"I think I get a little bit more now."

"I'm glad.", he came back to a stand, "There's so much more to see, so much more to learn. I think you can really change your point of view about life by seeing more beauty in the world."

Shinji narrowed his eyes, "Where was all of that beauty when…"

Kaworu blinked, "When?"

Shinji shook his head, "It's nothing…"

"Well I sincerely doubt that, but you don't have to tell me anything."

"Listen…about last night…"

"If you're not comfortable, you don't have to explain that either however…"

"H-however?"

Kaworu nodded, "Please…don't hesitate to reach out to me. That's what friends do isn't it? We help each other in times of need."

He was shaking, "F-friends…"

Kaworu had gone to touch his shoulder, only to stop when Shinji flinched and backed away, clutching his bag handle tighter.

"Please don't touch me."

Kaworu nodded, "I'm sorry, that was my mistake."

Shinji shook his head, "This might have been a bad idea…you should just…stay away from me…"

"Hold on…take a deep breath."

Shinji took another step back.

Kaworu didn't move, "You're breathing heavier. I apologize, really. Are you alright?"

He turned around, unable to look at the taller teen.

He was cautious, careful, stepping towards the other as he was hunched over, "Oh my…", he reached forwards, gently placing his fingers on his bag, "My apologies for upsetting you, it was never my intention."

"This world…"

He frowned at the brunette's shaking.

"Has no beauty…so…what are you talking about anyway?"

He smiled a little, "I saw one of the greatest examples today in the café. When you made the cup of cocoa. It was a fine example of something beautiful in this world." He was frankly a little surprised when the shorter male actually turned around and was looking him in the eyes.

"What could you possibly show me anyway? Maybe I've seen enough…"

"You haven't begun to scratch the surface. It makes my heart ache to see you so clearly unhappy.", he smiled a little more, "Friendship is one of the things that can hold the world's beauty also. Allow me to be your friend. You won't regret it. I promise."

"P…promise…?"

He nodded, "I can see that you're fragile, but…", he retreated his hand away from the bag, reaching for one of his black jacket sleeves, rolling it up.

Shinji widened his eyes, unsure of what to say.

Kaworu's smile was smaller and he let out a sigh, "You aren't the only one who is suffering okay? That I can guarantee you."

"I'm confused…how can someone like you, who seems happier, can smile, and talk about how beautiful life is…how could you cut yourself?"

"I too used to not see the beauty within life. Sometimes I still struggle", he pushed the jacket sleeve back in place, "I know how you're feeling."

Shinji's gaze was still on the arm that was shown to him seconds ago, "O-okay." Blue eyes met red, "F-friends…then…I think I can try it…"


	5. The First Promise

The blonde was looking down at her fresh set of notes, seemingly satisfied with the results. It appeared her hypothesis was correct after all, "This friend really is just what the doctor ordered", she paused for a moment, "The influence is astounding."

It had been two weeks, making this the second session in which Shinji told her all about his new friend. Ritsuko rose her cup of tea for another sip. Rather than annoying, it was actually endearing. For once in her patient's life, he seemed genuinely excited about something…about someone. She'd need to make a note to try to meet this new friend in person. He certainly seemed…out there.

_"We have some things in common, like…he has his own troubles too."_

It was this which worried her. Kaworu, according to Shinji, was a year older and had finished school at a much earlier age due to intellect alone. He was a loner type of person, who could survive with a few good friends in his circle. He was nice, smart, and Shinji admitted his friend could be funny. He admitted to the boy actually making him smile before they officially became friends. To top it off, it seemed this new friend was on a mission to expose her patient to 'the hidden beauty of the world', starting with the concept of 'simply having fun'. Much to her own satisfaction, this person's concept of fun was mostly late night park walks and stargazing.

This seemed like the ideal for a good influence on her patient, however, there was a feeling nagging at her. That it was all too good to be true. There had to be something.

_That's it._

She took another sip of her tea.

They'd been able to largely agree on everything, but what about when they had a disagreement? How would Shinji react? How would this Kaworu person react? Would any disagreements between them cause Shinji to relapse? Or would this person be patient enough to just attempt to solve any issues on their own?

As much as she wanted to be happy for Shinji, it was a part of her job description to doubt. She needed to have Shinji's best interests in mind. If Kaworu ever turned out to be harmful in any way, then she would need to urge Shinji in the direction of cutting ties.

She had to meet this Kaworu character in person, but she would hold off for now.

"That kid really did just need a friend."

What was surprising was how positively this male friend was impacting her patient. She'd expected a female friend to have a much greater impact, considering his history of violence with his own gender. Considering this, Kaworu had to be not just an odd ball, but frankly, he had to be almost saint-like for Shinji to be so clearly smitten.

_Is that the right word? Oh my…_

It was possible that one day she would have a conversation with Shinji that he should be having with Misato, but she knew better. Shinji trusted her way more with talking about what was on his mind.

She took a few more notes.

If anything, Shinji hadn't made just a new friend, but had met prince fucking charming pretty much.

She circled two words and wrote next to it: _Ask again for his definition after hypothesis comes to fruition. _

What, to her, was inevitable was that Shinji would project an increasing amount of feelings for this person. He might let feelings of happiness grow into something more. Yet that could be troubling for someone in his position. A rejection would without a doubt bring Shinji into a relapse. However, if this friend openly accepted those feelings and reciprocated them?

It was possible for Shinji to get turned down and hurt emotionally, but this Kaworu person was full of surprises.

She kept her hold of the teacup handle.

_To go from not being able to handle social interaction or physical contact to possibly falling in love with someone? _

The way Shinji instantly lit up when talking about him… She'd been well informed of his ability to make Shinji smile.

Maybe she should meet this Kaworu guy sooner than later.

* * *

><p>"You know, you have a very nice smile."<p>

Shinji sat down on the swing, planting his sneakers into the wood chips to stop it from moving, "T-thanks…"

Kaworu just took the seat next to him, imitating Shinji's actions, "I know this is sudden, but I should probably mention that I also go to a psychiatrist. I have for a very long time."

Shinji looked over, a little surprised, "You do?"

"You remember what I showed you before don't you?"

_How could I forget?_ They'd talked about various things, but they hadn't talked about Kaworu's marks ever since. His gaze was now at his companion's arms. Kaworu was wearing the same coat as that day.

"I think it's time that I told you a few things. I hope you'll listen to what I have to say."

He nodded, "I will."

Kaworu chuckled, "I also hope that I don't scare you away by coming clean about…"

"You are Tabris aren't you?"

"Hmmm?"

Shinji leaned back a little, looking up and at the night sky, clenching the chains on either side of him of the swing, "On the poetry blog that I follow. You are the one with the username Tabris that I'd been talking to all this time."

"Ah, then my hunches were correct that you're the one that I've been talking to this whole time also."

"Time…"

"Mhm?"

"It's the timing. Tabris replies to me at times when I'm not with you, but when you bring your laptop into the café, that's when you check your messages and noticed that I've only been replying when I'm at home. I can never send a message during the day because I'm at work. On my days off, I respond quicker because I only meet my psychiatrist for two hours. And then I've been spending my days off with you in person, talking to you."

Kaworu sighed, "Well I'm glad then."

"Glad?"

"That the person I'd been talking to was you."

Shinji blushed a little.

"I hope you still do not identify with a grey heartstring. I forgot to ask you."

He shook his head, "I don't and…you are amazing."

"I am?"

Shinji clenched the chain links a little tighter, "You're like the opposite of me."

"How so?"

He closed his eyes, "You're smart, finished school unlike me, you can talk to anyone and when you do, you have a way with words that makes people listen. You're great at poetry and a ton of other things. I'm just good at making hot cocoa."

"There are things that I'm terrible at you know."

"Name one!"

Kaworu took a breath, "Let's see…ah, I'm not a very good singer."

"Somehow, I don't believe you."

"I mean it. If I tried, I would scare away everything and everyone within a twenty foot radius."

"Can you sing right now?"

"Absolutely not."

He opened his eyes, "You just don't seem like you have anything to worry about and you seem so strong, unlike me."

"That's where you're wrong again."

When looking up, it was suddenly into those ruby eyes. He was focusing on them instead of on the fact that Kaworu was now standing behind him, looking down, hands holding the chain links of the swing just above his own.

After all this time, Kaworu had made sure to not actually touch him.

"Shinji…"

"Yes?"

"Do you believe in such a thing as angels?"

He blinked, keeping eye contact, "I…what?"

"That such a thing…such as an angel, could actually exist…a being of which we know nothing about and cannot see?"

"Like a ghost?"

"Not exactly…"

"No. I don't believe in anything like that. Why are you asking me?"

Kaworu had gotten quiet and his worry was noticeable.

"Ah…are you okay? Kaworu?"

"Sorry I just…", he'd retreated entirely from Shinji's vision and from the swing set.

_Was it something I said? _Shinji straightened himself up and got off the swing, dusting himself off before turning around and seeing his friend wasn't facing him, but was seated on the grass. He immediately went to join him. When Kaworu lay back, he did the same.

The stars were out again that night.

"I see these things…"

Shinji had to strain to even hear, "Huh?"

"I see these things. I see them all the time. Shinji…while you work in the café to make money, I don't have a job like that."

"What do you do exactly?"

"I paint."

Shinji smiled a little, "Figures…you're a poet, philosopher, and you're a painter."

"But the things that I paint frighten me…"

He turned his head, looking over to the albino, feeling the worry seem to almost radiate from him, "Then why paint them?"

Kaworu frowned, "I don't know. Obsession? Compulsion? I don't know what drives me to do it…and yet I've painted the angels that I've seen for so long…"

Shinji blinked, "You said you paint the angels…you see?"

"You said that I seem like I have it all together…that I seem strong…", he laughed.

That laugh…scared him, "Kaworu?"

He lowered his voice, "I'm sorry it's just…that assumption is so far from the truth. If you think that you're weak, then I must be exponentially worse."

"What do you mean?"

"Shinji have you heard of the term paranoid schizophrenia?"

"Once…"

"That is the label that I have lived with for a long time now."

A silence fell between them.

Kaworu closed his eyes, "It's okay…you can get up and run home and never talk to me again."

"I'm not scared of you or anything. I figured there was a serious reason that caused you to cut yourself. I was really hoping that you weren't depressed like me."

"I do get depressed. Enough that I have tried to take my own life many times."

Everything seemed to stop. Time seemed to stop. Kaworu's breaths stopped as he held them in disbelief.

The feeling was an unfamiliar one…a soft hand had taken his…out of nowhere.

Reality quickly snapped back when Shinji realized what he'd done. He yanked his hand away, turning over so his back was visible to hide his blush, "I'm sorry I just…"

"No…that was…nice…", he ran his fingers through his silver hair.

"Please don't ever try to do that again", he closed his eyes, "Y-you are this amazing person and I would miss you a lot. You're my only friend."

"I know. If it makes you feel better, it's been a long while since I'd attempted. Not once did I try since I'd met you. Still…you aren't afraid?"

"No…"

"Why?"

He had to search for the right words, "Because…you've always been really nice to me. Maybe because I don't fully know what you're going through. Instead of hiding your feelings, I'd rather that you know…the way I'm always venting to you, you can vent back to me." Okay…now he did want to run and hide…from embarrassment rather than fear.

"I'd like that actually. Very few people know this about me."

"Why did you tell me?"

"I don't want you to be disillusioned. I don't want you to think of me as this perfect person. I'm so far from that."

Another silence crept up on them.

Shinji hugged his knees as he kept lying on his side, "But you're still you…right?"

Kaworu blinked, "You could say that. At the same time, if I were to skip a dosage when I felt myself going over the edge…ah…nevermind. Let's just say that I wouldn't seem so much like…me…if that were to happen…"

"Promise me…"

Kaworu turned his head to look over at Shinji, who still had his back to him.

"Promise me that you won't let that happen."

He nodded, even though Shinji couldn't see it, "I promise."

He knew about his own habits. He knew sometimes his emotions clouded his judgment and he wouldn't be up to taking any anti-depressants or tranquilizers to calm his nerves. If Kaworu was anything like that and neglected to take care of himself…on top of that…from what he could pull together from memory, schizophrenia was when a person saw things that weren't there…wasn't it? "I mean it…you can…vent to me whenever you want. I'll listen. You're always listening to me so…"

"I understand." Kaworu couldn't help but smile a little.

Shinji uncurled himself and sat up, looking back up to the night sky.

Kaworu stole a glance over at the fellow teen. _As strange as it sounds…it feels like my head is so clear right now. It hasn't been like this in a long time._ He decided to inwardly cherish the moment that his mind was completely silent.

* * *

><p>"Hey Kaworu!"<p>

"Hello!"

"Hiya!"

He blinked when walking into the café. Yes, he was a regular now, but for all three workers to greet him was a decent surprise, "What's the occasion?"

Asuka was standing before him, holding finger up, "Shinji's such a dumbass for not telling you! Once a month, we have our annual employees' day out and as the newbie of the clique; it should be known that whatever us senior members come up with, you have to follow! No ifs, ands, or buts!"

Kaworu blinked and rubbed the back of his head, "Ah…but I'm not an employee…"

"Yeah yeah but you get a free pass on being invited because it'll be fun and we need a guy around."

"Shinji doesn't come with you?"

"Pffft he never comes with us! The owner gives us this day. After much deliberation between Rei and me, we've decided that for employee day, we will go to a karaoke bar!"

Shinji paused from wiping down the table to glance over at Rei.

Rei nodded, "It will be fun. You should come with us this time Shinji. It'll be the four of us. The owner is going to sit this one out."

Kaworu and Shinji made eye contact next.

Kaworu scratched at his hair, "Well…it does sound like an adventure. When would we be going-?"

Asuka exclaimed proudly, "TONIGHT! Haha!"

Shinji piped up, "I'll go too…"

Asuka whipped her head around and cupped her ear, side stepping closer to Shinji, "HAH!? I couldn't hear you! It sounded like you said you'll actually come with us for once!"

"I can come. I just have to tell Misato since she's home tonight."

It was only the previous night, on another one of their infamous walks through the nearby park that Kaworu had just admitted to him that he couldn't sing. There was no way he could let his friend go through the ordeal of a karaoke bar with Asuka…who was visibly looping her arm through Kaworu's in a heartbeat.

"So, it's a date then? You'll be my date."

Kaworu blinked, "I'll go as a spectator…"

Asuka shook her head, "Nah! You go as my date and Shinji can go as Rei's date."

Shinji found himself really wanting to know what Kaworu's response to that would be. It was no secret that Asuka had a thing for him since day one. Today she was being more blunt than usual about it. He stole another glance in Rei's direction, seeing she was looking down to the floor and he thought he was seeing things, or at least he felt like it. _Is Rei blushing!?_

Gently unlooping his arm from Asuka's, Kaworu was insistent, "How about just an outing between friends?"

Asuka backed off, pouting a little, "Alright fine! Fine!", she'd taken out her phone to text, "But as soon as the doors close to the place, out we go. I already know exactly which place. It'll be a lot of fun", she looked over at Shinji with an unamused glare, "Just don't be a total killjoy okay Shinji?"

"I won't…I promise…"

"Good! It's settled then!", she spun around, clasping her hands together, "Yay! They don't card there either so we can drink as much as we want!"

Shinji felt the buzzing of a text and pulled his phone out to check his messages: '_You're going out with friends!? That's awesome! I'm so happy for you! Go out and have fun! Stay out as long as you want! XOX Misato!'_ Honestly, once Asuka knew something, Misato instantly knew. It was scary how much Asuka was Misato's eyes and ears of the café.

* * *

><p>The place was crowded, just like they'd expected for a Friday night.<p>

Shinji stuck as close to Kaworu and Rei as possible, letting them walk ahead, Asuka leading the way to their booth.

"Everybody gets a menu and song book and when our waitress comes around, we can order our drinks. All those having alcohol say aye! AYE!"

Everyone else just looked at the books.

"Oh you guys are no fun!", Asuka shook her head, "I can't be the only one to get drunk! Rei!?"

Rei shook her head, "I'm not much of a drinker, you know that."

"Kaworu!?"

"Me neither I'm afraid."

Asuka took one glance at Shinji, "You probably couldn't handle the lightest thing they have here…"

"I think I'll have a drink actually."

Everyone blinked, even as the waitress came over with water and asked what they'd like.

Asuka grinned, hitting the table with a fist, "Give me and that guy…", she pointed at Shinji, "The number 11 on your drinks menu…", she narrowed her eyes, "On the rocks."

"And for anyone else?"

Rei and Kaworu shook their heads, "We'll stick with the water."

Kaworu had to admit, he wasn't expecting that and he smiled a little as Shinji was looking down with his hands in his lap, probably wondering just what he'd gotten himself into.

Rei turned the page, "This looks delicious."

Asuka nodded, "They have great food here. I know what I'm gonna order. I think after we get some drinks in, then we'll start to pick songs to sing. Rei, I hope you brought you're a-game! You too Kaworu!"

He just smiled in response, "I'll try my best."

Asuka had a hand to her chest, looking away, "How can one guy be hot and gentle all at once!?"

When the drinks came out, Asuka grabbed hers and glared at Shinji, "Alright you…I didn't pull any punches. On the count of 3!"

Kaworu noticed immediately; there was something about Asuka that seemed to bring out this unforeseen competitiveness in Shinji, who was gripping his own glass and looking up and at the orange haired girl as if he had something to prove.

Rei just ignored the shenanigans, "Oh I should sing this song."

"Ah…are they always like this?"

"Sort of. Just ignore them and pick something for dinner. It's already clear who's going to win."

Kaworu chuckled, "So it's a competition?"

"Everything's a competition with Asuka."

Kaworu couldn't help but keep staring at them, even as they both whipped their heads back and drank.

Shinji blinked, then reached for his stomach after putting the empty glass down, "I think I'm gonna be sick…"

Asuka shouted in triumph, "YEAH! I WIN!"

He reached and took the water, drinking it down as quickly as he downed the alcohol.

Rei shrugged, "Shinji doesn't really drink, but he's always playing into Asuka's competitive games so…it's his own fault."

Asuka shook her head, "Man that was good! So, you guys picked a song yet or what?"

Kaworu smiled, "If duets are alright, I'd like to do a performance with Shinji-kun, but I don't think we should go first since he isn't feeling well."

Asuka stood up, I'll go first!"

Rei shrugged, "That's no surprise!"

She went up before the group, "Rei you need to sing with me!"

Rei blinked up, "HUH!?"

"You heard me! Up here on stage missy. I'm not going first by myself!"

Kaworu slid his water in Shinji's direction, "Here. I can get another one."

"Thanks…I hate the taste of alcohol…"

"Then why ever did you drink with her?"

"I didn't want to seem like...well…"

He chuckled, "I think I get it. So, for our duet, what type of song would you like to sing?"

"M-me? Sing?"

"I'll back you up. It's no problem."

"I uh….", Shinji was blushing, "But I only listen to what's on my media player and it's mostly rock and…"

Kaworu grinned, "Then we'll perform a rock song. Pick one. I'll go along with whatever you choose. Are there any that you recognize?"

Shinji pointed, "This one…I know the words…"

"I will follow your lead."

Shinji found he couldn't keep looking at Kaworu…not when he had that smile up. That smile that made his own heart skip a beat, "If you don't know the words…how will you back me up?"

"You'll see!"

When the girls finished singing their pop song, Kaworu got up from the table and walked off to attract the attention of an employee, talking to them in the distance.

Asuka, Rei, and Shinji all just stared as Kaworu stood, arms crossed while the random guy walked off. The three of them all had to stop their mouths from dropping when the worker came back with a bass guitar, Kaworu taking it, smiling, nodding, and thanking him.

He turned, walking back over to the group, "Okay then Shinji-kun. Let's perform a rock song. As I said…I'll back you up."

* * *

><p>AN: Starting next chapter, I'll have 'Recommended Listening' at the beginning. Youtube the songs! It's a better experience to read, listen, and follow along. HAHA! Oh yes, KawoShin get their duet, just not via piano ;D

Omgosh...Shinji is a true bro. Can't let your bro go karaoke with girls by himself.

Read and review! I read the reviews on here and tumblr. You guys are soooooo sweet! Thank you all SO MUCH! To those concerned about the story length, this **will** be a very long story. I do hope you all continue following this journey to the end.


	6. Order 66

A/N: I don't own the song that appears in the chapter and I am not affiliated with the artists mentioned directly below. Please copy and paste the songs to youtube, they're there. Look for links with the lyrics, as these are the best options. Thank you and I hope you enjoy, or are able to see how they relate to the events of this chapter.

**Recommended Listening 1: Skyharbor Illusion: Order 66 **(the song Shinji sings)

**Recommended Listening 2: Alone I Break - Korn **(Shinji's POV of the events Misato recalls)

**Warnings: **VIOLENCE! MAJOR VIOLENCE! DISTURBING SCENARIOS! AND FEELS! Consider yourself warned!

* * *

><p>He would have dropped the microphone if it weren't for the fact that the booze hit him as fast as it did. No, it just made him clutch tighter so he didn't drop it and look like even more of an idiot on the stage.<p>

Asuka and Rei surely looked amused.

Kaworu stood at his side, preparing to play.

To make things worse, it seemed that the inclusion of an actual instrument attracted attention from other people, so it was more than just their friends watching.

_How did I get myself in this mess!? How can Kaworu even back me up when I'd lent him my headphones and let him hear the song once before we even got up here?_

It didn't matter. The song had a quick start up before the lyrics started and it was starting. He had nothing to lose besides all of his dignity.

"Hold on, don't lose the order. You know it's okay to live and learn."_ I'm really doing this…_ "How long…would you suffer…before you sacrifice the sun?" He could hear Kaworu's playing clearer than anyone. "How many times have I been here? I could never tell. Playing with fire feels sincere. Even though I'm in hell."

The crowd was cheering.

"I won't fight the one. I turn away from order", he stole a glance over at Kaworu, who smiled at him, and then he looked forwards again. "So strong, you learn to love her. Like a child so unaware. How can…we all recover? You know it's okay to be compared." _This is embarrassing…and yet I'm having fun… _"How much death have I been near?"

Asuka shouted, "HOLY SHIT GO SHINJI GO! WOOOOOOOO!"

"Far too much to tell. Nothing scared me more than fear. I step forth to tell…"

Rei was looking at the duo in wonder.

Shinji closed his eyes and leaned forward with the mic in hand, "I won't fight the one."

Kaworu sang back up.

"I turn away from order."

They sang in unison, "We reverse the cell again."

"I won't fight the one."

"The ooooooooooooooone."

"I turn away from order."

That last rift of the bass from Kaworu…

The place exploded with buzz, cheers, whistles, hoots, and calls for an encore.

Kaworu kept up that knowing smirk and actually had an 'I told you so' sort of glance.

Shinji shook his head, "Ah…that's all I've got…" he felt his face getting hot in embarrassment. He ran off the stage towards the girls and shoved the mic into Asuka's hands, "Here you take it!"

Asuka laughed, "We gotta get more drinks in you if it can get you to do that! Shinji I didn't know you could sing! You've got a voice on you!"

Kaworu had returned the bass before rejoining the group in a more casual manner.

Rei grinned, "Well thanks to that stunt, the dinner is on the house."

"Seriously!?"

Asuka laughed loudly, "Eat like a star tonight Shinji!"

Kaworu just took a glass of water.

Asuka beamed, "I didn't forget about you either. Where'd you learn to play like that!?"

Kaworu shrugged, "It was just something I picked up for fun some years back."

"Oh don't get all modest on me! You were really good too!"

"Thank you."

Asuka went to nudge Kaworu gently, "Watch that one over there", she pointed at Rei, "She may be skinny but she eats more than all of us combined!"

Rei was clearly annoyed at that comment, "Just for that, you're singing the next song by yourself."

* * *

><p>"The cab should be here any minute…"<p>

Rei nodded, "Ah…I'll go with Asuka and make sure she gets home alright."

Shinji and Kaworu nodded, with Kaworu adding, "I'll make sure Shinji gets home fine."

Rei was a little hesitant, "Yes well….he did drink too…"

Asuka squirmed, "PARTY TIME!"

Rei sighed, "No…you're drunk. I'm taking you home. Then I'm going home…"

The cab pulled up.

Kaworu went to assist Rei in helping Asuka into the back of the car, leaving Shinji to stand on the sidewalk.

_I still can't believe I sang in front of a bunch of people like that. What is wrong with me?_

"It's been fun", Rei gave a short wave, "I guess…we should do this more often that once a month. You both should come to the next one."

Kaworu nodded, "It was a pleasure. Have a good night." He waved as the cab drove off. Walking back over to Shinji, "Are you okay to walk or will I be calling for another cab?"

"I'm okay….I just had the one drink…"

"I know, but I also noticed that you don't have a very high tolerance."

"Oh man…it hit me like a truck…"

"For what it's worth, you sang wonderfully."

"How could you…know the song after hearing it just once?"

"I listened carefully."

Shinji pouted, "You said you couldn't sing!"

"Ah…I will admit that I exaggerated. Though it seems my singing voice would only be alright for a genre like rock. In any other genre, it would be terrible."

Shinji shook his head, letting out a sigh, "I can't tell if you really think that or you're just a good liar."

"A liar is one who twists and bends truth for a benefit, however, the liar can also be the one who tells a fraction of the truth and withholds the other pieces. Shinji, I have no reason to lie to you," he grinned, "I have all of the confidence in the world behind the thought that I am in fact a terrible singer."

"But you sounded really nice to me. It really fit with the song."

"Why thank you."

They were walking side by side.

"You sounded nicer. I was glad to be the backup for you…lead singer."

There was no fighting the blush that crept up on his face, "Don't call me that!"

"I'm only teasing. Sorry."

Shinji pouted again, crossing his arms and looking away.

"Shinji…"

"Yes?"

Kaworu forged a small nervous smile, "I know that you're not a fan of physical contact, but just this one time can you do me a favor?"

He nodded, "What is it?"

"Can you just…", he sighed, placing a hand over his face to try to hide his expression, sticking his other hand out to the side where Shinji was walking, "…hold my hand?"

_What's with this request all of the sudden!? Something's wrong. Something's off about him, I can't really tell what. If it will help, maybe I can…_ Now he was nervous. The one time he'd instinctively held that hand, it was an accident, though he recalled that it felt…nice. His friend was asking him for such a seemingly small favor. His gaze went to the hand outstretched to him.

Slowly, carefully, he brought his hand over and let fingertips lightly touch.

The warmth was electrifying.

Kaworu laced fingers and was taking deeper breaths.

Shinji just stopped altogether and stared. He didn't touch people. He didn't want people to touch him. He was used to touch being in the form of pain. He knew he wasn't in the same circumstances, but he still expected the fear to slink up on him. Except…there was nothing.

"I'm sorry I just feel like I'm being watched all of a sudden", he gave the hand in his a squeeze.

The previous night after he'd gone home, he spent a decent amount of time looking up paranoid schizophrenia. It made him feel bad for his own lack of understanding initially. Shinji quietly understood one thing. _It's not like having a friend makes the symptoms go away…I guess it's the same for him._ "Will the feeling pass?"

"Yes, give me some time", he slid his hand down his face, going to repeat the motion of hiding his face.

_Am I really doing this? He won't…hurt me…so…I…this is okay...why am I not afraid?_

"Thank you…"

Shinji blinked, continuing to stare at their joined hands and intertwined fingers.

Kaworu brought his other hand away from his face with a loud sigh, "Being around you helps me feel a bit better."

Shinji looked up and he thought his heart would stop. In no way was he prepared for the smile he'd gotten from the silver haired teen. The instant his hand was let go of, he brought it before him and just stared at it.

That was when it happened…

Arms had come around him and he couldn't move. He was in total shock. Kaworu was hugging him closely and protectively.

"It's okay. You can let it out." _I don't know what happened to you. I don't know your past. You don't know mine, but I'm here._

He buried his face into the fabric of the black coat and started shaking.

"It helps me to know that I don't have to be so helpless myself." The voices in his head…the feeling of being watched. The feeling of losing himself when the paranoia crept up on him…they were toning down somewhat, so he hugged Shinji tighter.

_Human contact…a hug…_

It was the simplest thing and yet, it was allowed. His body wasn't rejecting it. He wasn't reminded of the past. He didn't see his father's face. He wasn't sure what else to feel besides completely overwhelmed.

So he cried and continued to be held.

It was through winter jackets, but that didn't matter. It was a hug…

Kaworu closed his eyes, ignoring the cold air, focusing on being of use…being someone of comfort for someone else. It was such a nice feeling, "Sssssh. It's alright." He didn't care how long he got to stay like that. Actually, he didn't want it to end. He could block out the voices and focus. Focus simply on the low sobs coming from the one in his hold. He wasn't sure what to say, so he decided to just say nothing.

_Rather than running away from physical contact, this was probably a necessity disguised as a fear. That's fine. I don't mind it either way. You can use me to vent._

Shaky hands were clutching at the back of his black jacket. He knew silence was probably the best answer in response to the moment. Yes…he'd known…friends were there for each other in times of need. However, this was entirely different than the longtime friendship he already had. This was a person who could possibly be the calm within his own storms.

Someone like that, could they really be referred to with a word as simple as that of 'friend'?

While he'd played the guitar earlier in the evening, he'd been smiling because he saw just how much fun Shinji was having. He was able to let go himself and forget the criticisms from the past of being less than perfect. With these people…with Shinji, he could be himself. Most of all, Shinji said he wasn't afraid and that meant a lot considering he was confiding his secrets with him slowly but surely.

"It's okay Shinji…", he finally decided to speak and couldn't think of anything to say other than that.

"Thank you…"

He opened his eyes and quirked a brow at the words as they were mumbled into his jacket and he smiled a little, "Shinji…is this the first time anyone's ever hugged you?"

The slow nod brought in quiet realization. He wasn't sure how or why, but in the few weeks they'd known each other, it seemed he'd gained a trust he didn't know he had while exhibiting that same amount of trust in return.

He just held Shinji tighter, not wanting to let go.

* * *

><p>Misato checked her phone for messages, smiling a bit at the message from Asuka. That girl wasn't nearly as mean and cold hearted as people made her out to be. She let out a sigh and was glad that things seemed to be taking a change for the better…not so much for her, but for Shinji.<p>

_He actually seems to be having fun tonight. Man it surprised me when I heard he was going out with his co-workers._ She smiled wider and mentally corrected herself. _Going out with friends._

She'd known that given time, Shinji would be able to make friends. No, it wasn't at school like she'd originally thought. That was such a disaster. She'd been too stubborn to see that clearly Ritsuko had been right, but it wasn't something she wanted to admit anytime soon. Still, she'd stay up and since she was home, she wanted to know all about how the night went when Shinji came in.

She knew that he'd made a guy friend named Kaworu. That was…surprising, but nice. It seemed that ever since that guy came along, Shinji was getting a lot better.

_"I can help you with that Misato!"_

Yeah, Shinji was always ready to help her with something around the house, but the renewed vigor in the teen was something she found to be adorable. He seemed genuinely happy now.

Asuka also seemed happier. She wanted the both of them to just be the kids they were and for them to not have to grow up so fast.

Except she'd gotten to them both much too late for that…

_"This looks like the residence", she looked over while talking into the radio, "Have the EMTs on standby, over."_

_She'd gotten out of the car and walked up with caution, the door looked slightly opened. She pulled her gun and had it to her side just in case. It was a reflex by now, considering she usually wasn't one to respond to house calls that didn't involve a fire fight._

_A dog had come out barking at her._

_"Easy easy now…", the dog didn't seem harmful at all. She noticed the ambulance was pulling up._

_She hadn't been prepared for what she was walking in on. Honestly, she'd seen her fair share of surprises as a cop, but this one quickly made way to the top of the list._

_Beyond reasonable doubt, the woman of the residence had hung herself._

_Clinging to the body was a little girl with bright orange hair crying rather loudly. _

_She put her gun away and slowly walked towards the girl, "Hey there…"_

She sipped her beer. The tv was going but she really wasn't paying much attention to it.

She believed things couldn't get much worse from what she'd seen that day. That was until she was the closest officer to respond to the Ikari residence some years later.

_The feeling of dread was on her when she reached the front door. The call came in for domestic violence and she had her gun drawn and ready. She wasn't taking chances with some punk who thought it was okay to hit a woman. She'd shoot him in the kneecaps and say he'd attacked her too in a heartbeat._

_And yet she was remembering the Sohryu residence for some reason._

_It was like déjà vu when the ambulance pulled up and the front door of the residence was slightly open._

_This time there was no dog in the front yard._

_This time the smell of blood was absolutely perturbing and made her want to throw up._

_'The fuck is up with these parents nowadays?', she'd thought to herself. She'd been informed over the radio that there was a child at this residence from a cop who'd been called there before for a disturbance. When she opened the door, the blood screamed at her eyes. The stain cut across the green carpet like a large wound, starting thin but quickly widening as it trailed deeper into the house. It seemed like someone tried to open the front door, was harmed there, and then proceeded to backtrack into the residence. It wasn't too farfetched to guess that the neighbors heard the ear piercing scream when the door was opened from the inside, most likely by the victim. They could have been trying to make a run for it and failed. They could have been attacked and dragged across the floor by the attacker while injured._

_She drew her gun and followed the trail, "Hello? Anybody home? Police!"_

_It looked like somebody had been murdered….the volume of blood only increased as she kept going. As she studied the patterns of the dark red stain, she noticed that it formed a relatively straight path. There were no signs of a desperate struggle, so the victim did not fight back. The thickening blood trail became a sudden puddle at the end, indicating the victim fell. From there, the smear dragged around the dark corner, suggesting they must have crawled away to try to escape their aggressor. There was also the possibility that the victim was dragged from that point also..._

_She'd followed it until she found the boy on the hallway floor. _

_"EMS! GET THE FUCK IN HERE NOW!"_

_There was no sign of the man responsible. Not even footprints in all of the blood and God knew what else on the kid. He was laying in it, surrounded by it, covered with it. Bloodied hand prints visible on a wall near the junction where wall and floor met. The child tried to use the wall as a support while crawling to escape his father, bleeding out all the way…_

Honestly, the lives of these kids she'd dedicated herself to helping gave her nightmares.

_She didn't know how Shinji survived, and when she'd visited him in the hospital, he looked so cold and calculating...but at the same time sickly, drained, and malnourished. It frightened her to see that kind of look in someone so young. _

_Asuka wasn't up for adoption. She had family that had taken custody of her years back._

_She truly wanted to make a difference in kids with issues._

_Yet she'd always wanted a son. She saw the chance when she'd been overhearing the cops who'd taken over the case speaking with Shinji's social worker. A detective was put on the case of finding Gendo Ikari and she'd heard that investigation was a bust with no leads. She was taken off of her case and granted a leave of absence, asked to be evaluated as a just in case. It was routine for cops who'd come across horrific situations like that. She'd gone on her own to visit the orphanage and talk to the people there. When she saw him again, she'd noticed he still had that cold look about him from the hospital. She vowed she'd change that look in his eyes._

The doorknob turned and she looked over to see that Shinji was home from his night out. He didn't look particularly happy or sad.

"Shinji, come sit with me will you?", she held the remote up to the tv and turned it off.

He came over and sat down next to her on the couch.

_He looks so much better now. But I can never forget when I first found him in that bloody mess and dying. _"Tell me about your night. I want to hear all about it."

"It was…", he was looking down at his lap, "Nice…"

She smiled and set her can of beer down. She didn't ever like to mix beer time with Shinji time, "What'd you get to do? Did you get to sing? I heard you went to a karaoke bar! Haha! Did you make mamma proud and have at least one drink?"

He was looking down at his hands.

A closer look and she noticed that he'd been crying, "Are you alright?"

He was still looking down at his hands, flexing his fingers to get them warmer, "Y-yeah. I'm sorry I'm just…really happy."

She scooted a little closer, "Start from the beginning then."

He looked up at her and she felt good on the inside. Yes, this was what she'd been working towards. This was why she'd been there for every step of his recovery…to see a kid that suffered so much…be able to smile again. He never called her mom. She'd always insisted that he just call her by her name, but when he started talking about the night out, she certainly felt like a mother.

* * *

><p>He took another drink of water, setting the bottle down afterwards, reaching and picking up a paintbrush.<p>

The white canvas almost seemed to mock him, and that in itself was a problem.

Kaworu sighed. Again…he wouldn't be able to paint again. It was his source of income and he didn't have the inspiration.

He wondered if he should give Aoba a call and let him know. He might freak out, but perhaps it was for the best that his art manager knew he wasn't producing anything of quality as of late. No, he was always updating the poetry blog, but he wasn't paid for that. Funds weren't necessarily an issue. Monetary issues were always handled by his other longtime friend.

He smiled, checking his messages to see that Shinji told him when he'd gotten home. He'd always offered to walk Shinji home, but Shinji would always stop at the right spot for them to split up and go their separate ways to minimize the walking distance. He'd always stop and steal glances and watch him walk away, wondering to himself.

_Shinji…_

He spun in the black wheeled chair.

That night had been…different to say the least…

He knew it would be reckless to agree to going out, but he didn't regret it at all. He closed his eyes in contemplation. It was often nice to think about what it would be like to go home to a mother like Shinji could. He'd mentioned her before in conversation, Misato.

Instead of paint, he opened his eyes and reached for the sketchpad on the little table to his left, dropping the brush in exchange for a pencil.

Instead, he'd draw and he would have to submit to that craving before calling Aoba. He had the feel for drawing the topic of his latest poem.

He smiled.

Maybe some time he could show Shinji his drawings, not so much the paintings. No…the paintings brought him to a dark place and he didn't want to share those with his friend. He'd be a little selfish regarding that.

_"Kaworu this is all wrong."_

He shook his head. He didn't want to remember the distant past. He would focus on here and now. He would sketch what dominated his thoughts and actions that night.

_Shinji…_

When he thought of him, he could openly smile. It was always a nice feeling, hanging out with him. Spending his days at the café to eat lunch and use the net, sitting in the same section, having Shinji as his server.

"Ah…", the thought crossed his mind that Shinji looked cute in the green barista apron, moving about from one table to the next, to the register, towards the kitchen with his little notepad and pen, white sneakers making little squeaks on the wooden floor, face usually flustered.

Then he recalled the memory of Shinji making his hot chocolate for the first time. He was taken aback by the performance.

"You can be courageous when you want to", he'd spoken aloud, trying to collect his thoughts.

His heart was beating faster; his grip of the pencil in his left hand was tightening.

_What is this feeling?_

He'd been recalling the very long hug earlier that evening.

_Not once in his life had he ever been hugged. It breaks my heart to know that._ Shinji was someone who could certainly use more hugs. He wondered to himself if after that night, Shinji would be a little more receptive of physical contact with another human being. He certainly seemed to like the hug. They didn't talk after it ended. They just made their way home, not initiating any more contact. He wanted to say something and couldn't think of what to say.

At first he'd thought that by suddenly hugging him, he'd broken their 'no touching' truce. He couldn't help himself though.

He couldn't read the expression on Shinji's face during their walk after they hugged. That was a little troubling. He thought maybe Shinji would be upset with him.

Then he'd gotten home and seen that text. He'd only responded with an 'okay'.

In the present, he kept sketching.

_Ikari Shinji from Café NERV. _Okay…there was no suppressing his chuckles of amusement. NERV was such an awful name for a café. It didn't matter though. He wasn't there for the name. He'd only been there, coming and going every day, because of Shinji.

When he'd finished the sketch, he gazed down, content. He'd show it to Shinji and actually felt excitement at the thought. Okay…so it was a new feeling, showing off his sketches to one person, but he was already thinking of Shinji's eyes brightening up when looking at the sketch book of his poetry idol and friend.

_Friends…_

It was a nice feeling, until a peculiar thought crossed his mind and he felt his cheeks tint red.

* * *

><p>AN: Read and review. I promise it will get better. I'm not as confident in this chapter xD Sorry if Shinji's songs are so down and so emo? The song mentions get happier I promise!

Shout out to the one who helped me out so much with this chapter: My friend Redd! aka ask-kawotrio on tumblr! ToT Thank you so much!


	7. The Beauty of Living

A/N: Btw, forgive my usage of the honorific -kun in the story. I know this is what Kaworu is always calling Shinji and of course, he drops the honorific when he's being serious.

**Recommended Listening 1: Globus - Orchard of Mines **(On Shinji's headphones while he's walking. Shinji dear your music choices xD)

**Recommended Listening 2: Sting and the Police - Message In A Bottle **(Sung within the chapter.)

-Insert the music disclaimer from chapter 6-

* * *

><p>He was walking his daily walk, physique upright as opposed to slouched, holding the handle of his bag. He closed his eyes for a moment, and then he reopened them, looking straight as opposed to down.<p>

It didn't make much of a difference to anyone else traveling around him, but it was almost as if it was a different person walking the regular route of Shinji Ikari.

He turned the music volume up.

_I didn't need them today._

He was carrying his anti-depressants with him. For once, he hadn't taken any in the morning. He didn't need to. Whenever the sinking feeling would try to come back, he would just think about the hug. He'd stayed up, not touching his phone that night after talking to Misato, asking himself a lot of questions.

_Was it okay because our skin didn't touch? But that's impossible, we held hands before that… I didn't even ask Kaworu if he was okay after he got home. I couldn't talk to him. I was stuck in my own head._

The lyrics of the song made him clutch his bag tighter.

_'Cause you seem like an orchard of mines. Just take one step at a time.'_

What was with the sudden want to…sing?

_'Ooooooh! And you seem to break like time. So fragile on the inside. You climb these grapevines. Would you look now. Unto this pit of me on the ground. And you wander through these. To climb these grapvines. Vines…'_

He was in his own little world, listening to the song, fighting back the urge to smile at the memory of the hug from his night out.

_How can I be smiling because of something someone else did!? This is so strange…!_

"You should pay more attention, otherwise, you might trip."

Shinji's eyes opened wider when a headphone was taken out of his ear and Kaworu placed it in his own to listen.

Embarrassed, Shinji pressed the option for the next song.

Kaworu quirked a brow.

"Kaworu!? W-what are you doing here?!"

"Walking you to work of course."

"But I didn't ask…how did you?"

"Shinji-kun, this is the spot where we usually part. I figured if I waited here for you before the café opened, I would eventually meet you."

"H-how long were you waiting?!"

"An hour."

"AN HOUR!?"

Kaworu smiled, "What's another hour to an insomniac? Just more time to be doing something besides sleeping. By the way, I do enjoy this song."

"Y-you do?"

"Could you start it over?"

Shinji was way more confused than anything else, but he decided to start the song over. They were walking side by side, both with an earbud in, listening to the song.

With his eyes closed, Kaworu began to sing along, "Just a castaway…an island lost at sea. Another lonely day. No one here but me. More loneliness. Than any man could bear. Rescue me before I fall into despair."

Shinji chimed in, "I'll send an sos to the world. I'll send an sos to the world. I hope that someone gets my. I hope that someone gets my. I hope that someone gets my…."

They sang together, "Message in a bottle yeah. Message in a bottle yeah."

Shinji couldn't fight the sudden blush. _Kaworu must be crazy to think he has a terrible voice. He sounds so good…_

"A year has passed since I wrote my note. But I should have known this right from the start. Only hope can keep me together. Love can mend your life but love can break your heart."

They were crossing the street, walking at an even pace to keep the headphones in, "I'll send an sos to the world. I'll send an sos to the world. I hope that someone gets my. I hope that someone gets my. I hope that someone gets my….message in a bottle yeah."

"Message in a bottle. Oh…message in a bottle."

"Message in a bottle."

"Walked out this morning. Don't believe what I saw. A hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I'm not alone in being alone. A hundred billion castaways looking for a home."

"I'll send an sos to the world. I'll send an sos to the world. I hope that someone gets my. I hope that someone gets my. I hope that someone gets my….message in a bottle. Message in a bottle. Message in a bottle, oh. Message in a bottle."

They hummed in unison, stopping once they reached the other side of the crosswalk to turn and face each other, singing in sync, "Sending out an sos, sending out an sos…"

They stopped singing and burst into laughter.

_Oh man...how can I smile like this because of another person?_"How do you know the song?", Shinji's laughs softened into little giggle fits concealed behind his hand cupped over his mouth.

"It's an all-time favorite. I should be asking you that Shinji-kun."

He dropped his hand from in front of his mouth and looked up at the albino so close to him with a wide, genuine smile.

_How come I hadn't noticed before? I knew Shinji's eyes were a dark blue. Oh...whenever I look in the daytime, it's never with you looking up and into the sun. You're always looking down and at me while I'm sitting. Like this…your eyes are so blue._ He was reminded of sapphires. _When you're looking up at me, it's always at night..._

"Kaworu…?"

He smiled, looming in a little closer, "Yes?"

His blush was getting worse. _How come I just noticed that he's close enough to kiss…_ "I shouldn't be late for work…"

"Ah, I imagine you must be there earlier to open before the actual opening of the café. That's fine."

"Yeah…something like that…"

Taking the headphone from his ear, he smiled a little wider, "Here you go. I must say, I think I like this smile of yours the most."

Shinji took the earbud and looked down, blushing even more, "I-I'm not smiling that much…am I?"

"You're so cute."

He felt that any more compliments from Kaworu and steam might come out of his ears. He turned and started back on his journey to work, clutching the handle of his bag like his life depended on it, trying like crazy not to blush.

"I have a theory…"

"What's that?"

Kaworu actually laughed, "Not telling you until later!"

He pouted, "Well then why announce it like that?!"

They actually had time before the café opened, so they sat at their usual outside table.

"I have to wait for Rei, she has the main key. She should be here soon."

"Then why do you come so early?"

Shinji leaned back on the chair, "I like to sit here and listen to my music until she shows up. The owner trusts her the most since she's worked here the longest. It's pretty fair actually. I've been here the least compared to everyone else."

"What made you decide to work here anyway?", his little smile faded when he'd noticed Shinji's expression change, "On second thought, you don't have to tell me."

"No it's okay. Misato got it for me. She would come here from time to time because she loves the breakfast sandwiches, but she's been coming less since I started working here. She usually asks me to bring her back something."

Kaworu leaned back in his chair. Rather than sitting across from Shinji for once, he was sitting in the seat to his right, "How about we play a little game of questions?"

"Questions?"

"I'm sure you must have a million questions for me. You're not obligated to answer. Besides the actual response, we can also answer with yes, no, or pass if you don't want to answer it."

Shinji nodded, "Okay. You can go first."

Kaworu looked up, "Is the sky blue today?"

He quirked a brow, "Yeah, of course it is. What an odd question."

Kaworu closed his eyes, "You can only ask one question per turn by the way."

"Okay so…I was wondering, did you dye your hair?"

"Hahaha no. It's naturally like this," he brought his hands up and rested them in the front pockets of his dark blue hoodie, "So is my skin if you were thinking of using that as a backup question. I don't wear contacts, my vision is unnaturally good. This is how I was born. So…", he took the chance to peer at his friend, "Why are you embarrassed to share your wonderful singing voice with the world?"

"Share with the world…there's no way I could do that. At the karaoke bar, I was only singing because I was drunk. If I wasn't I don't think I couldn't have ever gotten up on stage. Why do you think you have such a terrible singing voice when you sound amazing?"

"Mmmm people from my first home kept telling me that, so I believe it. I do know people who can sing both better and worse than me. You sing better than me for example."

"But…"

"It's my turn now", he grinned, "If I asked you to, would you go out with me to a speakeasy?"

Shinji wasn't sure if that was hypothetical or not, "Um…sure I mean...", he shook his head, "Are you asking me to go out with you or is that a hypothetical question?"

"Pass."

Shinji pouted, "No fair!"

"I said we could say pass if we didn't want to answer a question didn't I?"

"If that's the case than what you just said now counts as your next question."

Kaworu widened his eyes for a moment, then started laughing, "Oh my gosh. I wasted a question. How silly of me!"

Shinji smiled, "Can you tell me why you asked me to go out with you to a speakeasy?"

"Pass."

He pouted again, "I want a new rule."

"Oh?"

"When someone says pass, they forfeit their next turn."

"Deal. Ask away Shinji-kun."

He had to think a bit. He was so curious, "If I said yes, then would we go tonight?"

"No."

Shinji crossed his arms, "I was hoping for more than just a no."

"You are too cute."

He was blushing, "Ah…"

"Why are you so curious about it?"

He looked away from his friend, who was now staring right at him, "Well uh…I mean…I just wanted to know why you'd ask me to go to a place like that. I've never been to one, but since I like…spending time with you, then I would gladly go. Kaworu…you said people from your first home…have you also been in foster care?"

He closed his eyes again, "No I have not. I suppose that would have been a better alternative for me."

"Alternative?"

"My turn Shinji-kun."

He pouted at Kaworu's winking.

"Let's see. Last night…was that really the first hug you'd ever gotten in your entire life?"

He was looking down, his hands in his lap, "Y-yes…I don't like people touching me, usually…"

"I was an exception?"

"It's my turn now Kaworu."

"Ah…I'm sorry."

Shinji was more than curious, "Kaworu, do you have parents?"

"No. So, was I an exception to your no touching rule?"

"Y-yes. How can you not have parents?"

"They're dead."

Shinji looked up, widening his eyes, "I…oh…I'm so sorry…"

Kaworu shrugged, "I don't have too many hang ups about it. When they were around, I was raised in a very emotionally neutral environment. I don't think I got to know them at all", he leaned forwards, placing his hands on the table, looking over at the brunette with a sly grin, "Am I still an exception to your non-touching policy?"

His face had gotten hot. The thought of Kaworu touching him again…be it holding hands or… _I am NOT thinking that of all things…_ Now he wanted to run and hide, "Y-yes…"

"You could say pass if you don't want to answer a question."

"I could but…then you wouldn't know. So…you…lived in the same house as your parents but you didn't know who they were?"

"I knew who they were. The owners of the estate, however, we did not interact much from what I remember. So…", he leaned in a little closer, reaching out a hand, "If I were to touch you right now, what would happen?"

"I don't know."

He quirked a brow, having expected a more flustered answer.

"My body just rejected touch from anyone…everyone. I was always so afraid of letting people touch me. Kaworu, I don't really get it. How can you live in a house with your parents and never get to know them?"

"Servants took care of me. Not my parents. I would meet them from time to time for meetings and that was it. So…would you mind if I tried right now?"

_He's asking for permission to touch me? But I don't know how he will…he wouldn't hurt me…he's my friend…_ He was at a loss of words when a lighter index finger was lightly tracing his lower arm. His breath hitched a bit and he tried not to shiver.

"I'm a little surprised."

"W-why?"

"You seem super sensitive everywhere…fragile. There's nothing wrong with that. Perhaps it's because…ah…how many years has it been that you've shut out all physical contact?"

"Pass."

Kaworu retreated his finger, frowning a little, "I didn't upset you did I?"

"It's not you it's…"

"I can only imagine one reason someone would be so opposed to physical contact in the way you are…pain."

He flinched, "Pass…"

_I didn't ask a question…so Shinji is allowing me to further question it?_"Can I know who was it that hurt you so badly?" He was eighty percent sure that the next thing out of the teen's mouth would be 'pass'.

"My biological father."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't think you would want to tell me something like that honestly."

Their eyes met.

"I…trust you…okay? You said that I could vent so…I thought it meant that I could tell you anything…"

"Would you like to talk more about it?"

"Pass."

"I can't help but think I've made you a little upset by asking. I'll stop. However…I don't want to send you into work on a negative note. Let's end the game here. I have something to show you."

Shinji just blinked as Kaworu turned and was pulling something out of his laptop bag. He blinked in surprise when suddenly…Kaworu was actually blushing.

"I've never shown this to anyone but I thought I could show you my sketch book."

"You can draw too?"

He laughed a little, "Yes."

Taking the thin book from Kaworu's hands, he was flipping through it like a kid on Christmas Day, "These are so good!"

For once, Kaworu was looking away, "Thank you."

He was curious about a page near the back with a little fold. If it weren't for the fold, it wouldn't have stood out, "Kaworu…"

He was still looking away, "Yes?"

"I…wow…"

"Well I couldn't help but keep thinking that I could get around to sketching you. If you're done looking through it, I'd like it back…"

Shinji came to a stand, "Oh look, there's Rei. If I can, I'd like to hold onto it during the day. I'll give it back when I'm done looking."

Kaworu whipped his head around to look up at the now standing brunette. _Did he just…?_He watched as Shinji had walked up to Rei and greeted her, holding the sketch book close to himself and being so casual.

_Ah, the many aspects of the beauty of living. It's nice see Shinji-kun has embraced an appreciation for art now._He shook his head and smiled when they started walking in, both turning for a moment to wave at him before going in to unlock the back door and begin setting up for the day. "Oh man…and here I was planning on doing another sketch…", he put his hands back in his pockets and couldn't stop a little laugh.

_Yes well…I was asking him out on a date. So his response was a yes then?_He closed his eyes. _Next week then…for poetry night…I should write another poem just for the occasion._ He sighed. _I know I said friends but, I just can't help myself. That guy is irresistible._ Something in him, he wasn't sure what, was making him gravitate towards Shinji Ikari. He had to do a lot of thinking to figure out just what it was.

_Someone is watching me?_

He opened his eyes. It wasn't the usual feeling of paranoia. No, he spotted her. A tall blonde with short hair just below her ears. Her outfit, a dark blue turtle neck and pitch black pencil skirt, legs covered with black stockings, signified the presence of some kind of professional. The question was why she was staring straight at him.

He narrowed his eyes.

She hadn't said anything, just turned and started walking away.

There was no mistaking that she was staring at him. The look wasn't particularly harboring any feelings. It felt more like she was studying him. He didn't particularly take too kindly to the thought.

When he could, he walked into the café, taking up his usual booth and setting up his laptop.

"I know you usually come in the afternoon, but I can make you something for breakfast."

He turned to Shinji with a small smile, "How nice of you. Sure." He couldn't fight the grin in response to Shinji walking off with that familiar smile on his face. The little smile that his co-workers had gotten used to him having over the weeks. He ran his fingers through own his silver hair. Usually when he'd gotten sleep, it was around this time of day, which was enough reason for him coming in the afternoons. Just when he'd thought he was done being impressed by the adorable antics of his friend, he blinked when a cup was set before him.

"You looked tired and you usually come in the afternoon, so I thought you could use a coffee. Oh…I don't know if you like coffee or anything. I mean I'm always making you other things and…ah…"

He graciously took the cup, "I'd like anything you make for me Shinji-kun."

"Oh ah…I asked the cook in the back to make you an egg and sausage sandwich for breakfast so I'll bring it out whenever they finish..."

"You're so thoughtful-"

"It's on the house!"

Kaworu froze for a moment. He was about to drink the coffee when that outburst from Shinji suddenly came out a little louder than he'd expected.

"It's on the house so…so…don't worry about it…", blue eyes were shifting, unable to meet Kaworu's. For the first time in a while, he turned and power walked away and straight to the locker room.

Rei, who had been watching, could only continue to stare.

"Ah…I'm as surprised as you are…"

Rei just shook her head and went back to wiping down tables.

When Asuka walked in, it was to her surprise and delight that Kaworu was sitting there, "Ah…", she pointed at the dumbfounded look on his face, "Rei, any reason in particular?"

Rei just shrugged, "I guess he's not a morning person."

Asuka chuckled, "The hell are you doing here anyway? We opened like ten minutes ago. You usually come in here with the after school rush."

Kaworu looked up, "Oh ah…I just thought it'd be better get some work done in the morning for once. Also, I wanted to ask something of all of you."

Rei looked up.

After taking a sip of his coffee, he set the cup down, "You all were nice enough to invite me out to a karaoke bar, how about it being my turn to do something for you."

Asuka blinked, "I'm listening."

"A mall day."

"OH I AM SO IN!"

Rei shrugged, "I guess…I'm sure Shinji would like to go."

Asuka was practically doing a little dance, "Tell me when and I'm so there!"

Kaworu chuckled, "Whenever all three of you are available is fine with me. I can take care of your expenses."

Asuka had her hands on her hips, laughing, "I mean you seemed like a rich boy and all but I wasn't sure cause you don't dress like it!"

He was laughing a little, "I'm not sure what you mean by that but...okay. Could you please do me a favor and tell Shinji-kun for me?", he pointed, "It seems he went that way…"

"SHINJI!"

In the locker room, he'd been trying to compose himself, muttering to himself, leaning his forehead against his locker.

"SHINJI"

"Huh?"

"Your friend is awesome!"

"What?"

"He's inviting us all out for a mall trip. I'm not gonna let this opportunity pass! He said as a thank you for inviting him out to karaoke night! Oh man I needed some new clothes! Shinji where the hell did you find this guy!?"

He just let out a nervous laugh and rubbed the back of his head, slinking away during Asuka's sudden speech about how there were no 'great guys' like that anymore.

* * *

><p>AN:_ Swagisa be smooth..._


	8. I Think I Love You

A/N: IT'S FINALLY HERE! It's finally _Friday_, It's _Friday_! FRIDAY IS HERE. NO IT'S SATURDAY! (Yes JoJo joke. I'm sorry...not sorry xD)

**Recommended Listening 1: Hugh Grant - Pop Goes My Heart ! _YES I EFFING DID! COME AT ME BRO!_**

**Recommended Listening 2: ATB - Ecstasy...OTP SONG OTP GO EFFING LISTEN TO THIS SONG WHILE READING!**

Disclaimer - I don't own the songs, **_but I sure as hell own the poem in this chapter._**

I hope it's worth the wait. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. This is my Valentine's gift to all of you. uwu Enjoy!

* * *

><p>"Dr. Akagi…"<p>

"Yes Shinji?"

"How can you tell if you like someone?"

_Oh my._ The session had started literally twenty minutes ago and Shinji had just been sitting there in an awkward silence until that very moment, "Like someone?"

"I mean…"

She nodded and took a few notes, "Your friend Kaworu?"

"How did you…?"

She laughed, "Come now. He's been the subject of conversation for all of our sessions this month. It was only a matter of time before you asked me this."

"It was?"

_Misato found out that he has this friend from Asuka and I told her that it could benefit Shinji. I feel that I may be the only one he's telling the progression of feelings to. _"You've gone from keeping him as your treasured friend into something else entirely. I wonder what is it that could have changed your feelings to something more than just desiring a friend."

"He touched me…"

Ritsuko narrowed her eyes, "What now?"

"Ah not in a bad way! He gave me a hug!"

She blinked, "You let him give you a hug?" _This is clearly a progression specific from his time with Kaworu. I have known Shinji for three years and I can pat him on the head, touch his shoulders, or rub his back. I had not attempted to hug him because I don't do hugs. Yet he let his friend hug him._

"I did do a bit of drinking before but I only had one drink. I wasn't out of it so I knew what was going on. He didn't take advantage of me or anything. I don't want to make him sound bad!"

_Even now, I understand what he's saying and yet he is still defensive of his friend._ "I'm taking your word for it. You're an honest boy. So…the question remains, do you think he likes you back?"

The look of relief on his face was one Ritsuko wasn't expecting.

"I just…you don't think it's weird because I think I like another guy?"

"Why would it bother me?" _Perhaps I underestimated just how much he views me as a mother figure._

"I mean…it's just that you've known me for so long. You asked me before if I liked girls. I do but…not in the way that I like…"

Ritsuko nodded, "Do you believe that you are attracted to people from either gender or just your own?"

"I don't think I really care what a person looks like as long as they were Kaworu…ah I mean like Kaworu!"

She chuckled, "I think you know exactly what you were saying. Shinji…I've been waiting for a while to revisit something that I've asked you many times before." _I suspect he may be bisexual and that the gender of the person didn't make as much of an impact as personality. If he were to meet a woman with Kaworu's personality or if Kaworu was a girl, I do not feel the scenario would differ._

He straightened up in his seat, "Okay…"

"Shinji, what does happiness mean to you?"

He paused, thinking to himself.

She went to take notes.

"It's the feeling that I feel when I'm in my comfort zone. I feel it when I'm getting along with the people at work. The feeling is always right here," he placed a hand over his heart, "Because I now have memories that I'm building for that place and well…even with the people…"

"I'm glad to hear that. As you know, my following question is always the same. What does love mean to you?"

Shinji froze.

_He's going through memories built. I wouldn't be surprised if his response was this boy's name._

"Dr. Akagi…"

"Yes Shinji?"

"What if I were say that…I think I…I think it's more than just me liking him…?"

"You think you're falling in love with him?"

"It's not something instant. It's just that it makes me really happy to see him happy. I spend my days thinking about what I can do to get him to smile. When I do, I get this feeling in my chest. I like it when it's just us hanging out because he puts all of his focus on just me. We talk about a lot of things. I feel like I can tell him anything that's on my mind. When he hugged me last week, I hugged him back. 'Like' is a word that I think of when I think about the little things, but when I step back and look at the whole picture and put the pieces together, like isn't a strong enough word…"

Ritsuko was speechless. She broke the silence by rapidly taking notes in her notepad.

Shinji was looking at her and his face couldn't be any redder.

"Well you're certainly getting better at sharing your opinion on these topics. I came by the café last week to get a look at your friend. He was very easy to spot."

"Oh…you did?"

"He seemed very wary of me, but I did not go and introduce myself, so I suppose that is a reasonable response."

_Should I ask Dr. Akagi? I'd always left out the part about his paranoid schizophrenia. I didn't want her to worry. I looked it up myself and other than the one time, I'd never seen him have an episode. I worry about him as much as I think about how much I love him._

He widened his eyes.

_Like him…how much I like him…_

"Shinji? What's going through your mind?"

He shook his head, "I just…I can't believe this is happening to me of all people. I don't think I did anything to deserve feeling happy or liked."

"You don't need to do anything. You deserve to be happy and that's the end of that."

"But…"

"No buts young man. You deserve to be happy." _These feelings of course, means that his depression is still there, still very relevant. _"Shinji, without a doubt, I do believe you are in the process of falling in love with Kaworu. With the way things are progressing, I hope you are able to form a solid relationship with him."

"I think he asked me out…"

"You think?"

"I'm not sure. We've been doing little trips…my coworkers, me, and him. We've been spending time alone too. Things started to change. He's been overly generous and paying for everything. And um…he asked me to go with him to a speakeasy tomorrow night, just us. This past weekend, we went on a mall trip and I think he set it all up to help me find an outfit for our night out. I don't know…does it sound like a date to you? When he did find something, he was encouraging me to wear it."

She chuckled, "That definitely sounds like a date. What is the outfit like?"

"I'm actually really nervous about all this. Ah uh…it's just a long sleeved black shirt with a little bit of white line designs on the front and black jeans instead of the blue I always wear."

"A speakeasy you say? That definitely sounds like the attire for one that attracts a lot of artsy people. You said before…he writes poetry, he draws, and he can paint. I have the feeling you will end up enjoying your night out. He might have set up some kind of surprise for you. Shinji…"

"Y-yes!?"

"I'd hate to break it to you but…"

"But what!?"

She grinned, "It seems that tomorrow night, you have a date. I don't think you need to worry about him not liking you back." _A relationship might have a profound impact on him. I confirmed Kaworu's appearance, but next time we should have a discussion. My gut told me this was headed in the direction of a romantic relationship and my instinct has never been wrong. _"Be sure to tell me all about your date during the next session."

"I will", he was still blushing, "I can't believe that it's a date with Kaworu…"

_He's excited for this. Isn't that sweet? Hmm….maybe I should hold off on telling Misato. He confided in me because he doesn't really talk about these things with his co-workers and the person he would usually turn to is the object of these affections. He hasn't told Kaworu about these feelings. He needed to validate them with someone first. He needed another opinion. _"Shinji, you know my objective is always to get you to be able to function better in society. If a relationship with Kaworu will help push that objective, then I am for it. Would you mind if I had a discussion with him at some point?"

"Would you want him to come here?"

"Yes. He can come with you to one of our meetings when you feel comfortable with it. It doesn't have to be the next one, but in the near future is what I would prefer."

"I can ask him for you, sure."

"Good. Then there are a few other things that I'm curious about."

"Huh?"

"Have you any idea what Kaworu's last name is?"

Shinji blinked, "Now that you mention it…I don't know…"

"His birthday?"

"I never asked."

_I want to find out more about him…but these little bits of information are a necessity. _"Don't you think these things are important to know?"

Shinji nodded, "Yeah. I can't believe I never asked him when his birthday was!"

Ritsuko just nodded. _Sorry to use you for a bit…but I'm also not sorry. When I saw him, there was something about him that seemed…off. I can't have someone hurt you and ruin all of our progress._

* * *

><p>Kaworu leaned against a lamp post, waiting for his date to arrive. Thankfully, the night wasn't a chilly one. For some reason, the winter was warm. There was no snow, and it felt more like spring than anything else. Upon hearing footsteps, he straightened up and looked over, "Oh my…"<p>

Shinji stopped, "What? Did I overdo it? I mean I wore the outfit and just…well…Rei and Asuka thought it would be a good idea to add these onto it." He muttered, "Almost like they were waiting for the opportunity to dress me or something…"

"No, you're fine. I just wasn't expecting the choker and chain addition. Also…they helped you?"

"Well Asuka said that it just looked weird without something to compliment it. So this was what we got at the mall when you walked away."

"I see…", he eyed the black choker around Shinji's neck, looking down to the small chain that hung from his pocket and looped out and clipped onto a belt loop.

He'd looked the other from head to toe and had to fight back the thoughts of just how…good…Kaworu looked clad in all black. _It contrasts how pale he is and somehow brings out his eyes._ He blinked when there was a hand reaching out to him, a black wristband snugly around the contrasting pale wrist.

"Well then, shall we go?"

"Yeah," he was hesitant…his hand was moving just a few inches at a time, but Kaworu hadn't moved and was patient.

They walked off hand in hand.

* * *

><p>Personally, Shinji wondered just why he didn't listen to more jazz…or why, with his liking for poetry, he'd never known this place existed.<p>

They were seated at a small round table. Seating arrangements had patrons sitting next to one another as opposed to across. Everyone was in the best possible viewing position for the stage, which had the most source of light from two spotlights. The rest of the place was dimly lit, as if the atmosphere itself wanted the audience to focus on none other than the stage. Despite being a first time visitor, he didn't stick out as much.

"There's an actual menu that's more than just for those who horde the bar. Also..." Kaworu pointed, "When people are done with performances, they move the setup back and open up a dance floor."

"Please don't ask me to dance…"

"I'd bet you dance as well as you sing and it's another talent you're hiding from the world."

Shinji shook his head, "You're mistaken. Even drunk, I won't dance. Wait….you didn't ask me to come here to get me to sing in front of people did you!?"

Kaworu grinned, "Not at all. I just want you to sit back and watch."

He blinked, "Oh…uh…okay…", he slumped back in his chair, listening to the jazz band. _This is actually really nice. Is it okay that I'm thinking about this like a date instead of…hanging out? Like Dr. Akagi said? I'm too nervous to ask if that's what's…I wonder if he... _ His face flushed as he realized how close they were sitting and that Kaworu had relaxed and had an arm resting behind his shoulders and on the chair. _Maybe I don't need to say anything. I can just…show him? _He scooted back just a bit, feeling Kaworu's arm touch his shoulders.

Kaworu seemed to shift a little closer, opting to drape his arm over Shinji's shoulders, clearly taking the hint.

_The exception…he's touching me, but I like it a lot._ The live music was helping to ease his anxieties. He could actually find himself relaxing. He hadn't really thought too much about what else to do, so he'd tilted his head a bit, resting it on the shoulder of his date. _I can close my eyes and feel…safe actually. When was the last time I felt safe like this? Have I ever really?_

Shinji didn't move, and found he was much too comfortable to want to. _I'm not afraid. I don't want to run away. _

Kaworu turned his head, nuzzling and whispering into short brunette hair, "Do you know why I brought you here?"

"No…."

"It's poetry night.", he gave a short wave to signal someone in the distance.

A waiter approached the table.

"Shinji, I have to go in a bit, but we should put our orders in first."

He opened his eyes and picked his head up from Kaworu's shoulder, "O-okay."

Kaworu smiled, "We won't have any alcohol tonight. How about two club sodas?"

The waiter nodded, "I'll be back with them in a bit."

Kaworu laughed, "I was hoping that you weren't falling asleep on me. The fun has just begun for tonight."

Shinji nodded, "Oh um…", he straightened up and took up a menu, "This looks good. What do you think?"

"The reviews for food here were excellent. Don't worry about prices for anything. I'll take care of it."

_If he's paying for everything then it really is a date isn't it!?_ "Maybe I can put in for half…"

"Nonsense. This is my treat. I insist."

The waiter was back and cheerier than usual, "Two club sodas!" One was placed carefully before each of them, "So what can I get you on this fine night?"

Shinji piped up, "I'll have the salmon."

"You can switch the sides if you want…"

"No I'll have it as is."

"Okay then", he looked, "And for you Tabris?"

He cracked a small grin, "Oh…someone must have let it slip that I showed my face in public."

Shinji looked from one to the other, "Uh, you two know each other?"

The waiter blinked, "No but...not just anybody would come here using the name Tabris. People have tried before. It's easy to sort out fakers from the real thing. A faker usually comes to the door using the name, not knowing if you're going to reserve a spot, you do it under blog names online and in advance on a certain website. We have our ways of making sure reservations are made by the actual user." He looked back, "I hope you've been enjoying your stay! You and your friend here!"

"We have, thank you."

The waiter was smiling, "Oh man, alright that's good to know! I'll make sure you guys have only the best time tonight! I love your writing man…with every heartstring that creates the pillar of the word we fondly refer to as love."

Kaworu nodded, "Thank you."

The waiter's joy was certainly a sight to behold.

"I'll have the chicken", he laughed.

"Oh good choice! Okay…like I said! I'll make sure it's awesome for you both!"

By the time the waiter left, Shinji could only stare in amazement, "I knew I was a fan but…that guy…"

"They really do make sure that you're the genuine article. It would look bad for any establishment to give special treatment to someone under a fake name. I wasn't expecting all of this though. I'm pretty happy with how it's turning out. Also…"

"Also…?"

"Before coming to your café, I didn't really leave my home all that much, so I guess that must be why people are so excited that I'm showing up in person."

Shinji nodded, "So you've never been here before?"

"No I haven't." He looked across the room and noticed a group of women whispering amongst themselves while shooting glances over to their table. "Honestly, I'm not big on crowds, which is why I like that this place isn't large." He went to put his arm back around the younger teen's shoulders, "I'm glad you don't mind me doing this." A glance over to the all-female table and he was content to see they would opt to stay in their seats and not come over. They could take a hint. "Coming here alone would have caused me a significant amount of trouble."

"Trouble?"

"Admirers", he chuckled, "I don't want to have to deal with that. Word spreads quickly. There might even be people who don't like me here for all I know," he turned and lowered his voice, his lips less than inches from the brunette's forehead, "Although…I like that I've come here with my biggest fan."

Shinji's face was getting hot.

"It does mean a lot that you agreed to come here with me." He rested his chin atop brunette hair, lowering his arm from around his shoulders to reposition around his waist.

Shinji was shivering at the contact.

"Ah…I have something for you if you don't mind."

"W-why would I mind?"

"Are you embarrassed? Your stutter is back."

_Why do I find myself wanting this to not end?_

"Shinji, forgive me for pointing this out but, you smell quite nice."

"You…do...too…"

That was when Kaworu had pulled away entirely, unwrapping his arm from around him to get up from the table, "You stay right here okay? Don't move at all. They'll bring your food out before mine. I arranged for that."

"What?"

Kaworu smiled, "Do you trust me?"

Shinji slowly nodded.

_Shinji is too cute. _His smile grew wider, "Okay then. Keep your eyes to the stage."

He watched as Kaworu simply turned and walked away and his blush just got worse.

The announcer came back up to the mic, "Classy right? That was the Stardust Crusaders with some smooth jams. Next up is a poetry favorite from online. We never thought we'd get to see this dude in person! Am I right?" he paused when there were a few chuckles from the audience, "Show some love for Tabris!"

Shinji's eyes were following his date effortlessly and realization dawned on him when he'd watched Kaworu take a seat on the lone wooden stool before a microphone after the announcer left the stage. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. _He's…?_

Kaworu was sitting before the mic and was looking straight at him…

"Cerulean meeting crimson

Under the dominating backdrop of star lights.

One cannot fathom

True colors refusing to show,

To sparkle

To _glisten_

Under the grasp of darkness.

Wrestle and tangle again,

The sun slays the moon.

Crimson contemplates,

He dreams

He waits

He longs…

To see cerulean yet again.

Cerulean…defeats the sky

In beauty, with a depth crimson could not foresee.

From crimson to scarlet, scarlet is renewed,

Elated to meet cerulean again.

Warmth…in the guise of cerulean.

Post-apocalyptic to the anguish.

Scarlet watches…

Quiet, thinking…scarlet smiles

And scarlet feels the heart swell.

Cerulean holds hidden

The beauty of a world shrouded with arrays of _blues_.

And yet…none like cerulean.

Scarlet knows he has found a pleasant thing in cerulean."

Shinji was hanging onto every syllable.

Kaworu gave a little smile, "Thank you."

Shinji noticed people weren't clapping, rather, they were snapping their fingers. He looked around him. Honestly, he didn't even realize when the waiter had come with his food. He'd been so transfixed on Kaworu's voice…and his story telling through poetry which he'd understood. _F-found a pleasant thing!?_

The waiter smiled at Shinji, "I'll bring some more napkins for you Cerulean."

"Thanks…" The poem…he'd understood, it was a confession to him. He didn't have any doubts. 'Scarlet' did like him after all. Kaworu had used their eye colors to blatantly admit in public that he liked him as more than just a friend…in poetry form.

He was still trying to pull himself together when Kaworu had come back to the seat next to him.

"I hope you enjoyed your surprise Shinji-kun."

He could just…hug him right then and there, "I did. I really liked it."

The waiter was back with Kaworu's order and more napkins, "Enjoy your meal…Scarlet and Cerulean!"

"Thank you", Kaworu reached and took a napkin, lifting Shinji's head gently by the chin, dabbing the napkin at the corners of his eyes, "I'm glad you seemed to understand the point I was trying to get across."

He sniffled, "I did."

"You're so cute," he kept up his gentle smile, "So I take it your answer is a yes? Will you be mine?"

He nodded, pulling away to look down and try to hide his face, "Yeah…", he had to fight the reflex of placing his hand over his heart, where he felt the most, "Sorry I'm just…really happy right now."

"It's alright. When you're better, let's enjoy this dinner and the rest of the entertainment."

Shinji nodded, going to wipe his own eyes, "Okay…" Despite being a little overwhelmed, he was smiling. He'd be sure to remember that it was the first week of December when he could say that Kaworu was no longer his friend, but became something more.

* * *

><p>They'd eaten and listened to some of the other poets, delving into conversation when the music switched from a live performance to a dj.<p>

Shinji laughed, "I guess maybe I should change my username name to Cerulean…"

"If you want to. Either way, I posted the poem just before meeting up with you tonight."

He found he couldn't keep eye contact with the albino sitting next to him, "I was definitely surprised. I was trying to figure out if you liked me…ah…the same way that I like you…"

"I know you said before that you wouldn't want to but…care to dance?"

"I still can't dance…"

"It's fine. You can just follow my lead."

Shinji blinked when he'd realized that a song was starting and Kaworu was standing before him with a hand extended out to him. This time he was quicker. He reached and took his boyfriend's hand. A new blush was spreading as they'd walked out onto the dance floor.

_'Have you ever noticed,__  
>That I'm not acting as I used to do before?<br>Have you ever wondered,  
>Why I always keep on coming back for more?'<em>

He was being held close, stepping as Kaworu stepped. He thought he would be chastised for not being able to properly keep up, instead, his hand was held and Kaworu just improvised the next step.

'_What have you done to me?_  
><em>I'll never be the same I'll tell you for sure<em>  
><em>I'll never be the same I'll tell you for sure<em>  
><em>I'll never be the same I'll tell you for sure'<em>

He'd squeezed the hand in his tighter, finding that this was actually fun and not embarrassing at all.

_'You really are my ecstasy,__  
>My real life fantasy oh yeah'<em>

He'd been surprised when suddenly he was lead into a dip by his dance partner.

_'You really are my ecstasy,_

_My real life fantasy, oh yeah'_

It wasn't surprising that Kaworu was a good dancer too. Yet there was no room to mind that and mentally add it onto the list of things Kaworu was good at.

_'Not that I'm complaining,_  
><em>A more beautiful vision - I have never seen<em>  
><em>If you don't mind me saying,<em>  
><em>A lifelong ambition to fulfill my dream<em>

_What have you done to me,_  
><em>I'll never be the same I'll tell you for sure'<em>

He was unable to look away, fingers were laced together, a paler arm around him.

'_I'll never be the same I'll tell you for sure_  
><em>I'll never be the same I'll tell you for sure<em>

_You really are my ecstasy,_  
><em>My real life fantasy, oh yeah<em>

_You really are my ecstasy,_  
><em>My real life fantasy, oh yeah'<em>

_You really are my ecstasy,_

_There can be no other while we still have each other_

_My real life fantasy oh yeah_

_There can be no other while we still have each other _

_You really are my ecstasy,  
>There can be no other while we still have each other<br>My real life fantasy, oh yeah.'_

They were so close.

The next song didn't have lyrics.

"Remember when I told you that I had a theory?"

He had to think back. Kaworu almost always had some kind of theory, "When we played questions?"

"Mhm…"

His blush matched the color of the eyes he was transfixed on.

"It was a simple theory really. You had a crush on me."

"Oh…well…I already said that I…"

"It's a little embarrassing to admit, but I think it might have started for me a bit earlier than that. So I thought I could verify my theory. I am relieved. If you'd have said no to this date, I would have been disappointed."

_It's like Dr. Akagi said…_

"Yet, I'm glad it turned out like this."

His blue eyes widened when his hand was held tighter and the taller teen loomed in just a bit closer during their slow dance. He thought to say something. Like of how he would cherish the night, the poem, the light touches…He thought he'd melt when a small kiss was placed on his forehead. He closed his eyes. The fact that contact like this was okay made it all the more amazing. He could inwardly laugh at himself for thinking that maybe when he'd gotten home, he would find the song that just played and download it. He stayed close, enjoyed the company, and the thought that things were going in a direction he wouldn't have ever predicted.

Shinji wasn't sure how long they'd spent dancing before they retreated back to their seats to ask for water. Maybe it was from being so close, or the increase in the volume of people on the dance floor once the songs were more upbeat, but he felt hot.

So they decided to leave and just walk outside in the cooler air.

Hand in hand, side by side.

* * *

><p>AN: -RUNS TO HIDE- OMFG I AM _**BAD** _AT POETRY I AM SO SORRY GUYS!

ChussKa! (from tumblr) That first song! _ALL YOU!_ xD 'Pop Goes My Heart' goes out to you! Best idea ever. XDDD I know I am just _DIO-BOLICAL!_

FYI the poem is known as an ODE. It's meant to exhault something or someone to express strong (positive) emotions you feel towards the subject of the poem. XD **_Ode to Shinji._**

**_ANNOUNCEMENT: _**SO! They had their first date! Tabris...whose never shown his face before. I have a proposal that I hope to get people going: If you'd like, please write a blog comment for Kaworu (reaction) as if you were there or heard about the date from someone and it can show up in the opening for Chapter 9! ;D All participants will be credited unless you want your entry to remain anonymous. Please send entries to me on here, or on tumblr messages. My tumblr username is on my profile. D


	9. Not So Different After All

A/N: I would like to **personally thank all** of the people who submitted a comment for Kaworu's blog. You really brought this chapter to life. I used ALL of the submissions that I had gotten. Seriously, thank you all so much. I am heavily considering another reader interactive prompt like this later down the line in the story. Two artists on tumblr drew fanart for their dance/the forehead kiss in ch 8 and that made me happier than you could ever imagine. Thank you so much, both of you! Please, enjoy this chapter.

**Recommended Listening 1**:** Honeythief - Halou** (I BEG YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG WHILE READING.)

**Recommended Listening 2**: **Taproot - Poem** (Kaworu's feelings)

Disclaimer: I don't own the songs.

* * *

><p><em>'Tabris…that was a really nice thing you did last night! It made my heart melt. The look on that guy's face when you said your poem about him to him! OMG!'<em>

_'Well damn. That was a pretty ballsy meatspace debut. You've got a lovely voice, Tabris.'_

_'You & Cerulean were so cuuuuuuuuuuute! So that's what you look like! Ur a hottie!' _

_'__You never fail to amaze me Tabris! Cerulean is so lucky to receive such a beautiful confession, I hope that person reacted as you wished! Good luck with that, but don't forget your fans also!'_

_'I saw you there and wanted to say hello, but I wasn't expecting you to be there with a boyfriend =/ '_

_'I wanted to go over to Tabris' table and get his autograph. I'm a huge fan and he looks so nice in person. But then I choked on my coke and it came out my nose when I noticed he started being lovey dovey with that other boy. I wasn't expecting that but they were really cute together. My new shirt was ruined because of them tho, hahaha!'_

_'Tabris…I never bothered to ask before but YOU WERE SINGLE?! Well I guess not anymore! =P '_

_'Aww man, Tabris totally ruined my date. My girlfriend kept looking over at him and his date and telling me how cute they are and shit. Tabris this and Tabris that! That's all she talked about that evening! What's even so great about that guy?! He acts so high and mighty, ugh!'_

_'Tell Cerulean I said hello and come back any time! You too!'_

_'I KNEW IT! HE´S TOTALLY GAY! I won 20 bucks thanks to him and his date! Best day ever!'_

_'I can't believe Tabris was finally seen in public! Not only that but with another guy!? They were so affectionate toward each other!'_

_'I didn't know you were batting for the other team. I mean, I'll still follow your blog but I'm a little disappointed is all.'_

_'We saw you dance! That little kiss for Cerulean! You were so fucking smooth Scarlet!'_

_'Bro…I hope you got lucky last night! Cerulean is a cutie!'_

_'…were you on a date!?'_

_'staaaaap das gay'_

He expected messages, both anonymous and not, to show up after the night he'd had. He just hadn't expected the sheer amount of them. The ones he'd quickly read through made him crack a wide amused grin. He made a mental note to send Shinji a text and ask him to not change his screen name for his own protection, as he noticed some of the comments from anonymous users were getting quite mean as he kept going through them. That was fine; he just deleted the worst ones after reading through them.

He looked down to the bottom right hand corner of his screen to check the time.

_I'm going at the regular time. I wonder if he'll notice what's different about me today._

Kaworu felt more refreshed than ever, which was saying something. He'd been recollecting the previous night with fondness, a little blush on his cheeks as he recalled events from their first date.

The thought had crossed his mind to kiss Shinji, but he decided not to. The little peck to his forehead in the club was as far as they'd gotten and he was grateful. He was still supporting the smaller things, such as holding hands and helping Shinji get used to human touch, as opposed to something like an actual kiss. Although it seemed like the perfect opportunity when they danced.

Shinji had been looking up at him with the most innocent and adorable eyes he'd ever seen on a human being. He'd let him keep that innocence, even if he did wonder what a longing expression would have been like…

He sighed.

_13:27…_

He'd gone to bed when he'd gotten home and actually slept for once. He'd been afraid to before, but he was calmed by thinking about the night he'd had and about that face looking up at him with quite the smile.

_His smile…_

He got up from his seat, laptop running, leaving his desk, and walked back over to his bed, collapsing on it. Wrapping his arms around one of the many pillows and hugging it close to his chest.

_If I didn't see him so often, I'm not quite sure what I'd do…_

It was ironic really. On the outside, Shinji was the one embarrassed and stuttering, relying on him. It was probably because the brunette was better at letting his emotions surface whether he realized it or not.

He hugged the pillow tighter. He was the opposite. Everything he did had to be processed, calculated, options weighed, before coming out. He had to be that way to protect himself. _From Shinji though? _It was strange…being able to just be himself with another person. Being open and honest from the very beginning. Speaking his mind and not being criticized for every little thing. It was something that kept him coming back for more time with Shinji Ikari every single day.

It was a reason why he felt he couldn't just stay friends.

_The more time I invest into this, the more I feel that…I need him…perhaps as much as he needs me…_

His phone buzzed. He reached for it and brought it to his face to unlock the screen and read the message. He smiled.

_'Do you think we could do that again sometime? I had a lot of fun…'_

He messaged back his first thought. _'Anything for you Shinji-kun.'_ To give it a bit of umph, he put a little heart next to it before sending. He rolled over onto his back, putting his phone back on the bed and looking up at the ceiling, thinking that perhaps Shinji had gotten flustered from the message.

Living alone was both a blessing and a curse. He could let his mind wander but at the same time, that's where the danger was.

Shinji's smile came back to mind and he had to focus on that when he started hearing the voices again. His breaths got heavier. In less than two hours he was supposed to be leaving to head to the café and come in with the afternoon rush.

There was no telling how long this episode would last. However, he widened his eyes as the fear crept up on him again. _I should…take my medication…_

The eyes…they were on him again and he froze in place when a shadowy figure moved in his peripheral vision. He breathed heavier. Perhaps he'd be late today. As much as he wanted to go and take his meds, he couldn't. No…the fear didn't allow him to. This was the downfall, what happened when he went too long without tending to his own needs.

_Shinji…_

He really enjoyed being there for someone else. He neglected his own needs for the sake of his wants. He wanted to continue being there for Shinji.

"No…"

Everything was happening too fast. He wanted to move, to hold himself. He tried to move…couldn't. He didn't want this to happen…not now. What would he see today? What was out to get him? He wasn't sure.

It was a little silly to believe that someone else could be the cure to his own suffering. That wasn't how it worked, so he would suffer the consequences.

He felt like he was being crushed.

The ability to move returned and he'd dropped everything to bring his hands up and clutch at silver locks, shivering violently. All of his senses were out of whack. Time? What time was it? He didn't even care to know. Physical feelings? He didn't want to feel those any longer. He'd wished that he would feel anything but this…this crushing. He closed his eyes tightly. The thing in his room...it refused to be in any other view but peripheral vision, so he decided he just didn't even want to look at it.

_The angel…_

He was hyperventilating.

_Stop…stop…_

The panic was rising.

_Please…stop…_

His ring tone went off. He was getting a call. He'd have been able to pick it up if he'd have been able to notice it at all.

What was there to get him out of this madness?

_S-Shinji…_

He shivered more. Deciding to attempt at focusing, he had to try to make Shinji a focal point; otherwise he'd pull his hair out from the anxiety and paranoia. They were out to get him. Out to hurt him…again.

_"I…", Shinji was looking up at him with a small blush, "I never got your full name or asked when your birthday is. I'm sorry!"_

The memories of their walk after they'd left the speakeasy came to mind.

_He'd smiled wider, "Nagisa. My full name is Kaworu Nagisa. My birthday already passed. It's September 13th. When is yours?"_

_Shinji blinked, "Oh no…I can't believe it was in September! I guess it'd be too late to get you something since it's December. Ah…my birthday is June 6th."_

He breathed a little easier. Why something as simple as that came to mind, he wasn't sure, but it was appreciated.

These feelings were not getting better or worse, he'd just have to bear with it for as long as it lasted. Hopefully it wouldn't be hours again.

The feelings reared their ugly heads back at him again, he opened his eyes wide, clutching the pillow as tightly as he could, staring ahead of him.

_Make it stop...make it stop…make it stop…_

_Please…I can't take it…_

_Where are my meds? It's past tick tok…_

_It's past tick tok…_

_What is the word?_

_What am I?_

_Time…yes…time…I had to think so hard to think of it…_

_The knife…am I here? Where is here? What is here?_

_I should make another notch in my skin…_

_I need to tell...I need to tell…_

_I have to._

_Tick tok…_

_What's real?_

_Am I awake?_

_Am I dreaming? Is it gone? Is the angel gone? Is it still there? Is it watching me? _

_Will it hurt?_

_If it's a dream, it shouldn't matter if I test it out a little. If I cut then I can tell…that will show them…_

_A waterfall…red waterfall…_

_Oh yes…its blood…it's mine…all mine…_

_A river…my river…_

He pulled his hair more.

_There's something floating in the river…_

_They're out to get me…the angels…no…no…no I don't want to…leave me alone._

_I don't want to go._

_Don't…please._

_Don't take me to the river._

_That's where the bodies are…_

Another phone call.

This time he'd heard it and snatched up the phone to answer.

"You didn't come by today, so I thought there might have been something wrong…"

_Shit…_

He didn't know the time. He didn't know how long he'd been suffering in silence. Even so, that soft voice was bringing him back, "C-can we meet? Please?" _Red river…river of red…there are vertebrae in the river…_

On the other line, Shinji had put his now empty lunch bag back in his locker, "Sure. Where…"

"The park near your café. I can meet you there. Just you…" _Leave me alone…help me…please…_

"Kaworu is something wrong?"

He had his hand over his face, "I'd just really like to see you right now…", he hung up, not sure just how in the world he was going to manage this. He didn't want to move. He could have asked that Shinji come to his home, but home was the last place he wanted to be. On the other hand, it wasn't like leaving would make any of this go away.

_SHIT…_

It was the crushing; the crushing feeling was the worst part. Metal surrounded his body from every angle. Enveloped him like a cocoon…cold hard metal pressing in on itself and against his body. Not stopping when he'd heard the sickening pop and crackle of his own ribs cave in and felt the vile nausea catch in his throat at the image of his body slowly compressing against itself. Slowly…slowly…crushing him…no matter how hard he wanted to push back with his limbs, the metal was too strong. Were they trying to kill him? The monsters that plagued his mind and work?

When the feelings went away, he got up and ran without a second thought.

* * *

><p>Shinji had a little bag with him and blushed a little.<p>

_"That's weird. He's here every day. Did something come up?", Asuka blinked and looked at the clock again._

_Rei shrugged, "Maybe he had to do something work related. Actually Shinji does he even work? Considering the times he comes in, I'd say they're more like student hours."_

_Shinji shook his head, "He works from home."_

_"Call him! We'll cover for you!", Asuka was tapping her foot, "I mean he didn't even call or text! Just not showing up?"_

_Shinji nodded, "Oh but maybe he'll be hungry if I meet up with him today. I'll make something."_

_Asuka piped up, "Me too!"_

_Rei sighed, "I guess I can chip in too."_

The lunch bag for Kaworu was a collaborative effort, which made it a little more special. He hadn't told his coworkers about the previous night; about being out and dancing, about the confession via poem, about the little kiss to the forehead. He hadn't said a word. It belonged in the part of his mind responsible for storing his newly developed cherished memories. It was pretty obvious, in his own mind at least, that they were more than friends now.

So he was confused when the day after their first date, Kaworu hadn't showed up. He'd gotten the one text that made him nearly spill coffee on himself from embarrassment. _'Anything for you Shinji-kun.'_ When he'd responded, he hadn't gotten anything.

After Asuka and Rei noticed Kaworu's absence, they urged him to call.

He was so relieved when Kaworu picked up. Honestly, he tried his best to not show any signs of worry, but the girls seemed to pick up on it and would hold down the fort while he went to check on him. It was past lunch and he prayed silently that there wouldn't be any more rushes of people. He'd asked them to text him updates of how they were doing without him there.

He'd gotten a text, a little surprised to see it was from Kaworu.

_'Are you here?'_

He sent a 'yes' back and waited.

_'I'm sitting on a bench near the usual path. Sorry, I'm not really good to walk.'_

Now he was even more worried and walked faster.

The playground, the swing sets they'd become familiar with during their talks when they were friends…it was all so familiar now. There were benches some feet away probably designated for parents to sit and watch their kids.

He was grateful that no one really seemed to be around.

"Kaworu!?"

Shinji put the lunch bag on the bench and kneeled before the clearly distraught teen. Kaworu was sitting, hunched forwards, holding himself, visibly shaken.

Without hesitation, he found himself drawing the albino teen into a hug.

Kaworu sighed, "I'm sorry…"

"You don't have to be sorry about anything. I had the feeling something was wrong", he hugged him tighter, "Did you see something or…?" He was a little surprised when paler arms came around him tightly and Kaworu buried his face on the coat fabric of his shoulder.

There was just a silence and rather than a deafening or eerie silence, it seemed peaceful as heavy breaths steadied and calmed.

"Thank you…Shinji…"

"It's no problem. I understand better than anyone how bad an episode can be. I mean I…kind of understand. I don't really know what you go through other than what you tell me."

"I feel helpless actually. Even now, I can't really do anything…" _I don't know how long this grip of myself will last…_

"You didn't hurt yourself did you?"

"No…why would I when that would only worry you?"

"Kaworu…you're shaking so much. Are you…still having an episode right now?" He closed his eyes for a moment when he was held tighter.

Kaworu lifted his head and slinked back to stare at him.

The look of absolute terror made his heart sink. Kaworu wasn't like him; he wasn't crying or anything from his symptoms. _What can I do to help? I want him to be happy. What could I possibly say to get that look off of his face? It's scaring me…and I feel so bad for him. At the same time…_ "It's gonna be okay." _Paranoia…I do my best to not forget that paranoia is a big part of what he goes through. It's not just seeing things. _"Do you…see something right now?"

He slowly shook his head in response.

"That's good. You don't see anything. Um…", _What can I even do? He said he feels useless but I'm the one who feels useless. _"You take medication right? Did you skip it today? Do you have it with you?"

His mouth seemed to barely move, "Yes…"

"I'll go with yes as in you have it on you. If you don't mind, I'm going to let go now", he pulled away and unwrapped his arms, looking for a bag and not seeing one. He opted for going in his coat pockets. _Here we go._ He pulled out the prescription and looked at it in wonder. _Dr. Ryoji Kaji…this must be his psychiatrist. _He shook his head and went to open the cap, "I'll help you okay? Let's get you to take it and things should calm down."

The next frightened look nearly threw him off track.

"It's okay. It's me…Shinji! I'm here", _Kaworu's not talking back to me…is he getting worse? I can't really tell. GAH! This is really confusing! It's not like I can read his mind or see what he sees. And it's not like I can put a band aid on it to make it all better when it's all mental…_

Turning, he reached for the lunch bag and took out the water bottle he'd been sure to drop in at the last minute, "Kaworu, I have some water for you. Here!"

_Thank goodness. He's cooperating._ He eagerly watched him take the water to help the pill go down. He took the bottle back and put the cap on it when he was sure the deed was done. _Now I guess we just have to wait for it to take effect…however long that is…_

"It's…"

Shinji quirked a brow.

"It sucks that you have to see me like this."

It was Shinji's turn to sigh, "After all the times you'd seen me a mess? This is only the second time I've seen an episode of yours. I'm glad you called me."

Kaworu hung his head.

"Hey…you know…I don't really mind if you come to me when you're in trouble okay? I mean…I don't really know what to do most of the time, but I wouldn't want you to be alone in dealing with it." _Where is this sudden confidence coming from? I'm not even sure._

"Thank you…"

They fell back into silence, yet Shinji noticed the shaking hadn't stopped.

"Kaworu…", he bit his lip. _The paranoia must still be there._ _He still looks scared out of his mind._

Kaworu shook his head, "I can still hear them…"

_Voices in the head was one of the symptoms that I'd read._ "Are they saying anything?"

"N-no…it's not talking…it's these noises…"

"Noises?"

"I can't even begin to describe…"

"You don't have to. It's okay." He sighed. Awareness of the time was gone. Thankfully, his phone hadn't gone off or vibrated to signify a text. Asuka and Rei must have been doing okay back at work. He'd told them, in all honestly, he wasn't sure when he'd be back in or if he would at all. He felt kind of bad for not telling them about Kaworu's issue. He hadn't told anyone, yet at the same time he wasn't sorry.

_Wait…what am I…?_

His hands were holding each side of the black collar of Kaworu's coat. He couldn't understand his own actions. _He's having so much anxiety and paranoia….I just want to help him, even if he'll forget his problems for just a moment. I want to see him happy. I want to see him smiling again._

_I like him that much…_

_It's making my own heart ache…_

_Please just be okay again. Smile again. I know it's scary but that's why I came here. You reached out and I don't mind dropping everything for you. To help you feel better…_

Kaworu widened his eyes.

_Because I like you that much…_

His eyelids fluttered and closed.

_Oh man…what am I even doing? He's usually the one who's so forward, not me. Please just…focus on something else. Focus on me. I'm right here. The voices don't need to hurt you; the monsters don't need to hurt you. I just…can't stand to see you looking so frightened like that anymore…like there is so much out to hurt you. Well I'm not..._

Their lips met.

Shinji started to shiver within his own fearful spell. _Did I do the wrong thing? He's not reacting at all…_

It was awkward. He'd kissed him and it seemed like they were at a standstill. Until arms came around him in response and lips pressed further onto his own.

Shakiness seemed to stop and perhaps in that one small moment of time, both of their fears ceased to exist.

They'd stayed like that for what seemed like a minute before Kaworu pulled away.

Their eyes met before the albino came in to initiate another.

Shinji wasn't sure how but the tables had turned. Yet he was glad, so glad. _He's okay now…_

To top it off, the kiss felt nice. It was sort of awkward, because it wasn't like he knew more of what to do other than the most basic concept, the simple pressing of lips, but that was fine since it seemed Kaworu didn't either. Or if he did, he wasn't showing it.

Kaworu's phone started going off.

They parted and came back to reality, a little startled by the sound.

Shinji blinked when a hand was on top of his head, but he smiled when he got to see Kaworu's smile again.

"I don't know how many times I could possibly thank you. Saying it a hundred times wouldn't be enough."

"You don't need to. It's nothing really…"

"I'm very surprised", Kaworu ruffled his hair, "And delighted. I'm feeling a lot better now."

Face redder than before, he couldn't help but get embarrassed at the contact, despite him feeling the action was a little childish, "H-hey!"

"You're so cute."

_He's himself again. I don't know if it was all the medication or…_

"I don't think I told you how much I enjoyed your company last night. I have to admit something…"

"Yeah?"

"I definitely wanted to kiss you then."

His face was getting redder, "Oh…", he wanted to look away, but was transfixed on the scarlet irises so focused now. "I mean, sorry….I just didn't want you to stay focused on what you were going through."

"Honestly, I did skip out on taking my medication on time. It was careless and yet…"

"No no! I would do that too! I mean! I wouldn't want to take my anti-depressants on time some days. I wouldn't feel like it, even though I knew that I would just feel lower from not taking it. I understand…"

Kaworu thought for a moment, ruffling short brunette hair again, "I'm glad to have met you."

Shinji wasn't sure what to say in response, but he was cut off from speaking by Kaworu's phone going off again, "Are uh…you gonna get that?"

"No. I'll take care of it later."

"Well…", _is it humanly possible to blush more!? _"Asuka, Rei, and I packed you a lunch…"

"I'm famished actually. Thank you."

He'd gotten up from his kneeling position, picking up the little bag to take a seat next to Kaworu, opening it, "It's nothing too fancy but here you go."

Kaworu just looked amused, taking the lunch with a small smile.

* * *

><p>"Oh come on answer your damn phone!", He'd tried again, only to get nothing. With a sigh, he decided to leave a voice message, "Kaworu it's me…Shigeru. You haven't gotten back to me on anything…again! I need to know what's up so I can talk to some art collectors for you. Are you even trying to get paid anymore!? What the hell man! You've been avoiding me for over a goddamn month!" He decided to leave it at that and leaned his head back to rest it against his black leather couch with a sigh, "Let me find out this dude got a girlfriend or something…shit."<p>

He sighed again, "I'm just gonna have to pay him a visit then. Can't be helped when there's a potential buyer…"

The tv was blaring.

"But…I'll go tomorrow…"

He closed his eyes, shaking his head in disdain, "This asshole. Avoiding me! He'd better have a good excuse!"

He quirked a brow when he saw that he'd gotten a text from none other than the person he'd been trying to contact, "Someone I should meet? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" He hurried to reply. _'She'd better be fine as hell for you to have been ducking me for a month!'_

The reply came quickly, _'I showed off some of the guitar skills you've taught me…just a little.'_

_'Well I can't even be mad anymore. Bass gets you some.'_

_'We're taking it slow.'_

_'So you're serious? Man, I know you go off to be all artsy and disappear from time to time, but I was worried. You hadn't contacted me in over a month.'_

_'I'm sorry. We've been spending a lot of time together. We're together right now.'_

_'Can I get a picture?'_

_'If you come around, you can meet.'_

He blinked, "I can't get a picture but I can meet her?", he grinned, "Oh man maybe he did get himself a fine honey. Good for him! Or…maybe he won't send a picture because he doesn't think I'd find her hot but he does? OR…" He texted back, _'All is forgiven. I didn't even have to be your wing man! Go you! I'll see you tomorrow and I'll behave!' _"Maybe she's super-hot and he thinks I'll lose my shit over how beautiful she must be! Shigeru Aoba…your weakness for hot chicks will not be your downfall tomorrow!" he blinked, "Wait son of a-! I'm not Mr. Steal Your Girl!"

Satisfied, he went to check his other messages before turning the volume up for his favorite soap opera.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Mr. Steal Your Girl...omfg...I'm watching too many Free (Iwatobi Swim Club) parodies...

If you, my reader, are on medication for an illness, be it mental or physical, please take your medication on time. This goes out to you. Please remember to take care of yourself...


End file.
